Big Changes

I'm sure it's no surprise that doing the "mom thing" is like a dream come true.  I mean, pursuing parenthood has been my main goal for years now.  Literally, years.

During my single days (I was 27 when Kain and I got married) and my early married days and my recently married days for that matter, I always thought "what if it never happens?" And I felt like I needed a backup plan.

Enter nursing.

Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to be a nurse!  And I worked HARD to get that degree.  And I poured myself into my work.  I gave nursing everything I had.  Somedays I gave it too much.  I would come home deflated and depleted and exhausted and empty.  I worked a minimum of three 13 hour shifts a week.  That's assuming I got out on time.  I was usually home by 8ish, and still had to eat supper, shower, and spend some amount of time with my hubby.  Most nights, Kain can attest, that I was asleep on the couch by 8:27.  When I worked days in a row, Kain and I were just warm bodies sharing a mattress.  No conversations.  No intimacy.  No connection.  I had nothing to offer him - my patients needed all of me.  All of my kindness and patience and energy and every ounce of my brain power.  They deserved it! They were sick, dying sometimes.  They had no one else who could do for them what I did.  Nurses are awesome.  We are superheroes.  We do things that no one else can, should, or will do.

And once Elliot was born I got scared.  I was afraid that I would have nothing to offer him at the end of a long shift.  And that just didn't settle with me.

So I gave up my secondary dream of being a nurse.  And it's the best thing I've ever done.

I'm working some part time hours for Kain now, doing office work and accounting (humble brag - I'm a math genius) for his business.  I take Elliot with me, Kain's mom is there too to help me out with the baby.  Some days I work from home.  It's ideal!!  I would love to not have to worry about working at all, but - come on, living ain't free!

So that's what new with me - I'm still technically a nurse.  In fact, I just renewed my license.  And someday, probably - maybe (?), I will go back to nursing.  But for now, I'm as close to a stay-at-home mama as I can get and I'm loving. every. minute.

xo 

Elliot's Birth Story - Part 4

This is the conclusion to a four-part story of how our lives got flipped, turned upside down :)
Start from the beginning here

Elliot did awesome in the car on the long drive home - slept the whole way.  I sat in the back seat with him and stared at him, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that there was a baby in our car! A carseat installed with a real life baby in it!! I couldn't believe it!

When we walked into the house late on Friday April 17 - we found that our sweet friends Amy and Kendall (and baby Isaac) had "broken in" and decorated our house with streamers and balloons and flowers and filled our refrigerator and freezer and countertops with groceries!! We were blown away.  Such a kind and generous gesture!!

Kain's mom came over that night to bring our dog back and to love on Elliot.  We were exhausted and excited and fearful and fidgety.  What would the next 24 hours hold? Would she sign? Would she change her mind?  Was he ours?  Was this all a dream?

We were all pretty worn out after such a long few days

On Saturday the 18th of April, we lounged with our little love.  Took lots of pictures, gave him a bath, introduced him to more of his family.  And waited.  And paced.  And prayed.

Grandpa Rob

Great Grandma Betty - "GG"

Great Grandpa Dick

6:39 pm.  That was the 72 hour mark.  Nothing could happen before then.  The social worker had let us know that she was planning to meet with B at 6:30 and thought that she would be finished around 8 pm.  She would send us a text - either "done" or "problems" as soon as she was able and would call us after she had left B's to talk over whatever the outcome was.  All we could do was wait.

Around 3 pm, we got a call from the social worker.  My heart sank.  It was way too early to hear from her.  This could only be bad news.  She told us that B was having second thoughts and wanted to wait a few days to sign her surrender papers.  B was concerned about how open our relationship would continue to be and worried that she would never get to see Elliot.  The social worker asked us to send B some pictures of Elliot quickly and said that she would call us back as soon as she knew anything.

When she called back, she said that the pictures had helped and that B was on board with signing that night again.  But that if she voiced concerns about waiting a second time, we would have to oblige and wait.  We prayed not to get that phone call.

At 7:06 pm my phone rang. It was too soon. She had said 8! My stomach churned and my heart rate picked up.  I couldn't bear it if this was a bad phone call.  Four words changed our life,

"It's done.  She signed."

And just like that, we could rest.  We could settle.  We could start to tear down the walls around our hearts that were set up to protect us from the worst possible scenario.  We could fully welcome him in.

We called everyone we knew.  We cried together and prayed together, thanking our Father in Heaven for the gift of realizing our dream of being parents.

And that, my dear friends, is the (long!!) story of how our family changed from two to three.  Thank you for sticking with me, and for being a part of this journey.  Thank you for your kind words and your messages of love and support.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Today Elliot is doing AWESOME!! He's a typical newborn -- eat, sleep, poop, repeat.  He's growing like a champ, and I swear he changes by the minute.

I will be back soon with some updates about how our open adoption plan is progressing and how Elliot's little heart is doing in light of his Congenital Defects.

xo - Kate

Elliot's Birth Story - Part 3

The beginning of the story is beautiful - if you missed it, catch up here

Our first night was pretty typical.  I was up a lot, jumping at Elliot's every sound and move.  Kain snored away, that guy can sleep through anything :)

The next day we did normal stuff, Elliot was examined, circumcised, vaccinated, and smothered in love and kisses.  My sister came back up for a visit.  B came to our room once or twice for quick visits.  She didn't say much, took lots of pictures with her phone.  Her grandmother came to see him as well.  What a privilege to meet part of Elliot's biological family.  To add further dimensions to who he is by nature.  She was funny and loud, and gave us her stamp of approval.

Holding on tight to his Daddy's finger

Elliot eats, daddy eats

This kid has huge hands and feet!!

Our little family

I love how they were both holding their hands by their faces

So so handsome!

Daddy surivived his first dirty diaper!

B was being discharged to head home towards the end of day 2.  She came to our room again to hold Elliot and take some more pictures.  She was much more quiet this time.  Not really saying too much to us or to her boyfriend.  I saw her wipe silent tears from her eyes.

I was prepared for a lot of things during this experience, but I did not expect for my heart to completely break for her.  I tried to imagine how impossible her life felt at that moment.  And all I could do was cry for her.  I already loved Elliot so much after just hours and she had known him for so much longer!

I felt 100% happy and 100% sad.  My gain was her loss.

Forever grateful, B.  Forever.

Day three was full of ups and downs.  The hospital pediatrician had noticed a heart murmur during Elliot's exams.  They recommended a consult with the cardiology department.  Elliot was given an exam by the cardiologist and an echocardiogram confirmed what we feared, he was diagnosed with a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) - a hole in the wall dividing the pumping chambers of his sweet little heart. It doesn't affect him too much right now, but open heart surgery to repair it is likely in his future.

Also during this day, Kain and I had to leave the hospital.  We had to leave Elliot and B alone together so that she could have some time without the pressure of our presence.  She needed to be able to think about her decision and make sure that placing him with us was absolutely what she wanted.  We went to our social worker's office and signed a mountain of paperwork.  The paperwork that would make his placement official when the appropriate time came.

It was so hard to leave him, our fear was that B would change her mind and decide that she wanted to parent him by herself.  We had already fallen hard for this little guy and the idea that something could interrupt our family was impossible to bear.

Thankfully, B didn't change her mind about adoption.  But instead loved on Elliot, took in as much of him as she could, and then when it was time for her to leave, handed him to Kain and walked out quickly with a simple goodbye.  I don't know how she was feeling at that moment, but I hope it was peace.  I hope it was confidence in her choice.  I hope that it was love for Elliot and trust in us as his new parents.

That evening, we were discharged from the hospital with Elliot.  At this point we were considered his foster parents - because Ohio law is that a birth mother cannot sign her surrender paperwork prior to 72 hours after baby is born.  When we left, we were still about 24 hours away from that point.  It was with great joy but great anxiety that we headed home with our little man.

There's one more post to wrap up our story of becoming a family of 3 - be sure to check back!
  As I've said several times, when it comes to adoption, nothing is certain until it's certain.

Elliot's Birth Story - Part 2

Missed part 1? Catch up here

Kain came in as soon as B was cleaned up and decent.  And I handed Elliot to him.  Elliot was so alert and just stared at him.  I could hardly handle this moment!  My dreams were being realized.  My hubby had our baby in his arms! After so many long years of waiting and praying and hoping, I just couldn't believe it was real.

After a few minutes of staring at his baby face and baby features and wiping our big big tears we handed him to B.  I snapped a few pictures of them together.  She said that he looked like her older son.  She held him for a few minutes, then handed him to her boyfriend, still hanging out by her side.

A nurse came in and asked if we (meaning Kain and I and the baby) were ready to go to our recovery room.  I didn't know what to say.  We asked B if that was ok with her and she said yes.  We wheeled Elliot in a plastic crib to an empty room and there we were - just the three of us.  Our family.  Finally.

We held him and stared at him and laughed and cried and invited our anxiously waiting families to come in and meet him.  He was so perfect.  And the whole moment felt like I was imagining it.  It wasn't exactly what I had always envisioned, it was so much better.

Our families came in and we got to introduce Elliot to his Grandma and Aunt Nan (my mom and sister) and his Grammy and Uncle Rhett (Kain's mom and little brother).  We had kept his name a secret from everyone so getting to announce "this is Elliot Rhys" was so much fun!!  Everyone held him and ooed and ahed over him.  He was already so loved.  He was born on his Uncle Rhett's birthday so it was extra special that he was there and was among the first people to hold him.  What a great bond to share forever!

Kain's mom placed a necklace around my neck, a small cross given to her by her husband and boys on Mother's Day after Rhett was born.  I'm a sentimental sap so that meant so much to me.  It is a gift I will always treasure.

My favorite moment was while Kain was holding Elliot.  He stared at him for a few minutes, and then broke - and sobbed a big sob and hugged the baby tight to his chest.  I think it was the moment he realized - this is his baby.  And I love it when my hubby melts into the big softie I know he is inside.  And I love that he already loved our little one so much.

After a few minutes and a thousand pictures, everyone left.  It was getting late and we were way out of town, everyone had a long drive home.  We were alone again.

Rosie came back in to let us know that there was a room for us on the postpartum floor and that B had agreed to let Elliot stay in our room with us.  We all took the elevator together.  B and her boyfriend, Kain and me, baby Elliot, and Rosie.  When we got to the 5th floor, we were welcomed into a huge room, the nurses brought us a light dinner since we hadn't eaten for hours.  And we told B we would see her soon.

A new nurse came in and checked on Elliot.  She gave him a bath in the sink and I was finally able to do something I've dreamed of for years and years.  I changed into a hospital gown, settled into the bed and held my son skin to skin against my chest.  Our bonding was beginning.  He was learning my smell, and the sound of my heart.  I was helping him to regulate his temperature and breathing, and comforting his tiny traumatized self.  It was magic.

B came in while I was snuggled up with Elliot.  She sat at a chair at the end of the bed and just chatted and laughed.  She said that when she saw me start to cry after he was born, she knew she was doing the right thing because she was making us so happy.  The truth is she had no idea how happy she was making us.  She stayed for a few minutes and then returned to her room for the night.

We were exhausted and so we settled in for the night.  Kain on a pull out cot, and me still holding that bundle of pure joy nuzzled into my neck.  His temperature hadn't recovered since his bath, so his nurse encouraged me to keep him skin to skin for a while.  No objection there!

The next few days were a bit of a roller coaster - make sure you check back in to see what happened next!

Elliot's Birth Story - Part 1

It still seems so surreal! 

a) I can't believe he's actually here

b) I can't believe how perfectly his delivery day went

The weekend before Elliot made his arrival Kain and I were heartbroken thinking that his birth mom (we will refer to her as B from here on out) had changed her mind about her adoption plan.  Our last conversation with her had been cut short and we had way more questions than answers, but to us the writing was clear.  We couldn't understand why we were facing a third failed adoption and spent most of the weekend with teary eyes and heavy hearts.  

And then Monday happened. 

On Monday April 13th, we heard from our social worker that everything was still on track, that what had transpired over the previous few days was only a miscommunication, and that we should expect to hear from B soon.

B sent me a text later that day to say that she had a doctor's appointment the next day (Tuesday) and would let me know the outcome - she was hopeful that they could plan an induction for sometime in the next few days.  She was getting pretty uncomfortable, and I think the weight of her adoption plan was beginning to wear on her.

The next afternoon we heard from B again - she told us that they were going to induce her the next morning and she asked what time could we be there!!  

To say that we were elated, terrified, humbled, gracious --- all of that would be an understatement.  We were all of that times a million!! Plus more!! 

We spent Tuesday afternoon and evening in a state of mild panic :)

Kain still needed to finish our taxes (he's the president of the procrastinator's club!!), I had the sudden urge to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!! Plus we had to pack, install the car seat base, figure out what to do with the dog, call everyone we knew, and, and, and....

We woke up early on Wednesday, really early, and headed out of town to the hospital where we were going to meet our son!  The drive was uneventful, we did a lot of chatting about anything except what was about to happen.  We talked to our parents, I texted with my girlfriends, we stopped for coffee. 

In the parking garage at the hospital.  Our last picture of us as a family of 2!!

When we got to the hospital it was about 9:30.  B and her boyfriend were already in her room, the Pitocin was running, she was comfortable, and we began to settle in to the rhythm of this crazy, happy, beautiful day.

Kain and I both stayed in her room, trying not to stare at her like we were waiting for her to pop!  I had seen her a few times since our initial meeting - she had invited me to attend some doctor visits with her, but it was the first time since January that she and Kain had spent any time together.  It was good for us all to be able to chat, to laugh, to get comfortable with each other.

At her first check, she was 3 centimeters dilated.  Not too bad for being a few weeks early!  The plan was just to keep an eye on her and keep increasing the Pitocin.  

My mom and sister showed up, Kain's mom and little brother showed up too.  It was so great to have their support.  So wonderful to know that there were others on our side.  I sent some texts to my girlfriends and one responded with "People you don't even know are praying for you right now,"  I couldn't help but cry at that thought.  The thought that this family we are a part of, the family of God, had our back.  How amazing.

Kain and I left around lunch time to stretch our legs and fill our bellies.  We met up with my mom and sister.  Filled them in on the updates.  I gave my lunch to my sister - too nervous to eat.

When we went back up, a midwife came in and said that in an hour or so, they would check B again and potentially break her water in an effort to move things along.  Excellent plan!

The hour came, the midwife checked her - still only 3 centimeters.  Whomp whomp.  They broke her water, and upped her Pitocin.  Fingers crossed for progress soon. 

B remained in a very upbeat mood right up to this point.  The increase in Pitocin and the broken water must have kicked things into overdrive.  She started complaining of a lot of back pain, and pressure.  She made it an hour before she asked someone to check her again.  When they did - everyone's mood sank when we heard, only 4 centimeters.  All the expectation, all of her moaning and writhing and complaining of severe pressure and already feeling like she could push - and she had made hardly any progress.  You could see the disappointment on her face.

That was 4:00.  Things continued in the same fashion for the next hour and a half of so.  I rubbed B's back with a bag of ice - to help with her back labor and because she was so very very hot even though the thermostat said it was 64 degrees in the room.  At 5:45 she declared that she couldn't do it any more and wanted an epidural.  Her nurse came in, and reassured her, and increased her Pitocin again, and introduced her to the next shift's nurse - Rosie.  Rosie is my hero.  We should have named Elliot "Rosie" instead.  

Her day nurse, Lauren, was so/so.  I am a nurse, so I'm slow to judge other nurse's performances.  I know that no one but her knows what all she has going on at that exact moment.  But I still feel that there is a certain expectation for general kindness and tolerance.  Especially of laboring women.  And Lauren was lacking that.  She was cold and unfriendly.  And not very helpful unless people were watching closely.  Thumbs down to her. 

But Rosie, Rosie we loved.  Rosie listened, Rosie cared, Rosie trusted her patient's instincts. 

Rosie called right away for anesthesia to come in and set up for an epidural.  She explained that hospital policy is for no visitors during the epidural placement so we all - Kain and I, and B's boyfriend, would have to step out for about 20 minutes.  When we came back, B would be much more comfortable, and we could continue as we had been.  Everyone understood and agreed. 

B's boyfriend left then to go find something to eat, promising to be back soon.  Kain said he was getting restless so he was going to go for a walk.  It was just the two of us.  B and me.  I was still rubbing her back with a (mostly melted now) bag of ice.  Reassuring her that she was doing so great.  Watching her monitor so I could tell her when her contractions were starting to ease up.  At this point, they were practically non stop.  She was miserable.

When Rosie came back in, I asked if anyone would check her before they started the epidural.  B had been saying for some time now that she felt like she could push.  She was having so much pressure.  Rosie said that they probably wouldn't check her, since her water was broken and they had just checked 90 minutes ago - they would wait a little longer.  She told me it was time for me to step out of the room.  I told B I would be just downstairs and would come back as soon as I could to help her some more. 

I took the elevator down to the waiting room and found my family.  I sat and talked with Kain's mom and updated her on the progress.  Kain had gone to our car to get his phone charger.  Too much texting had killed his battery :)

I had just settled in, legs curled up under me on a vinyl upholstered bench when a familiar face popped out of a stairway - I'm not sure what exactly her role was, Nurse Aide? Scrub Tech? I don't know.  And I don't know her name, but I'll never forget what she said,

"You're Kate, right? We gotta go! It's time!!"

I jumped up, I have no idea what I said or what I did except I hustled up those stairs!  We rushed into B's room and there she was, her bed had been broken down, she was laying with her legs up, a flurry of people, bright lights... It was baby time!

Apparently Rosie, like I said, had listened to her patient and agreed to check B before the started the epidural because she was so uncomfortable.  B said that she didn't even need to actually check her - she could see the baby's head!  Like I said - we love Rosie.

B did awesome, she pushed only for a few minutes, and I was there the whole time.  I watched her bring him down and out and into the world, I watched him breathe his first breath, I cut his umbilical cord, I stood by his crib as his nurse dried him off, weighed him, and wrapped him up in a blanket.

I held onto his tiny fingers as he screamed, I whispered to him that I was there, hoping that it might bring him some comfort.  And as I said to him,

"we've waited so long for you"

the tears fell.  I couldn't contain the months of waiting, and anxiety, and fear, and joy, and hope.  They poured out in sobs and sniffles.  His nurse handed him to me and right that minute, my heart welcomed him in.  He was mine. Ours.  Our son.  Our Elliot.

Holding my son for the first time!! 

There's more to this story -- stay tuned to find out what happened next!

Allow Me to Introduce ....

Baby Elliot!!

We welcomed Elliot Rhys into our hearts and lives on Wednesday April 15 at 6:39pm

It's an amazing story that I will share soon

Now this isn't just a blog about hoping to adopt -- it's a blog about the crazy happy beautiful end.

He's so awesome!!!

xoxoxoxoxox

Baby Month

It's here!!

April 2015 -- BABY MONTH!!!

Things feel different.  Different than last time.  Different than the time before.  In good ways.

I still feel hopeful.

And I'm still cautious too.  I just can't let my guard down.

Yesterday Baby Boy's birth mom texted that she thought her water broke.  And I was so excited!! And so terrified!!

(hashtag false alarm)

And in that spirit - the spirit of "no, seriously, there could be a baby in your arms any day now" - I am feeling a crazy urge to get my life in order.

The baskets of folded laundry are taunting me - I couldn't even focus on Grey's Anatomy, I could HEAR them calling me to put them away.

And for some reason I'm waking up at night thinking about the dust on the top of my kitchen cupboards.  I know it's up there.

And my car!!! Ugh my car needs vacuumed so badly.

So I have to go.

Hopefully I'll be able to pop back in here soon with another good update :)

YAY BABY MONTH!!

xo