Just Like That ...

I have started and erased this post 18 times.  Words are escaping me.

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The painful reality of an adoption plan is this.  Nothing is for sure.

Somewhere, sometime, for some reason, something has gone awry with our adoption plan.

We are just days away from a due date, but we are back to the beginning.  

We were matched with a birth mom 10 weeks ago today.  But for the last several weeks, no one has been able to reach her.  Today I tried to text her cell phone and got a reply from someone else letting me know that I had the wrong number.  

The social worker has called, sent texts and letters, all with no return. This birth mom has taken herself out of the picture.  We have to assume she is making the choice to parent this child herself.  We have to assume that she is choosing a different path.

I'm a little bit broken, a little bit angry, a little bit hopeless, a little bit sad.

I'm also a little bit OK, a little bit calm, a little bit expectant, and a little bit joyful.

****

That could sound totally horrible -- how can I be joyful? How can I be OK? The rug was just literally ripped out from under us!

One word.  Jesus.

I've been here.  I've walked this dark twisty rocky impossible road.  And at the end was Jesus.  He's my constant.  He's my rock.  He's my joy, my peace, my hope, my light.  I can be OK because Jesus is steadfast and is good.  I can be OK because letting go and letting Him hold me is so much better than holding onto the broken, angry, hopeless, sadness.   

It's not easy.  I still want to cry and throw things and eat my entire weight in chocolate followed by my entire weight in peanut butter.  I still want this baby to be mine.  I still ache to feel him in my arms. 

And I'm not oblivious. I know that bad days will come, that I will still feel the pain of loss.  I know that.

But I'm choosing to focus on the good.  It's good that this baby is so loved.  It's good that Jesus spared us from seeing him and holding him before this change of heart took place.  It's good that another opportunity may be just around the corner.  It's good that Kain and I have each other to lean on, to understand the bad days, and to move forward with.  It's good that we are so prepared for the next time.  It's good that there will be a next time.  

****

I posted all of these verses on my last Love and Loss post.  And they still ring with truth. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

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Please keep praying for us, friends.  Please pray that our dreams of being parents will be fulfilled.  That we will find the right match.  And that we will be able to hold onto joy and calm and hope and OK.

Dear Baby

I've been writing these notes for our baby for over a year and a half as we have anticipated their arrival.  Find out more about them here

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Dear Baby,

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is perfect for jeans and sweaters and boots, the decorations are warm earthy tones of golden and green and orange, there's pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING.  I just love fall. 

But this year, it's different.  It's not just about all of my favorite things.  This year, fall is about YOU!

Your arrival is getting closer every day.  We're down to just over 2 weeks (!!) and that anticipation and excitement is making this fall so much more than just fun and tasty.  It makes this fall JOYFUL.

Baby, we are so ready for you! We are so ready to see you, to hold you, to provide for you.  We are so ready to kiss your cheeks, to feel your breathing, to watch you grow.  We are so ready to play with you, to figure out your favorite things, to rock and cuddle you.  We are just ready. 

19 sleeps, baby.  That's all that separates us.  I can't wait!!!!

Know that we are praying for you every day, and for your birth mom too.  We are praying for your health and your safety, for your growing body, for your developing mind.  And for her heart - it will be broken by this, I'm sure. But we pray now that God will bring her healing and will be ever present during her pain and sorrow.

You are so special already, baby.  You are so wanted.  You are so so so loved.

See you soon, sweet one.  Until then, rest and grow my tiny blessing.  

All my love always,

Mommy

Random Ramblings

There are 24 days (in theory - babies are unpredictable I hear) standing between us and our babe.

24 desperately long days

24 impossibly short days

October 28.

That's our baby's due date.

I'm practically counting the minutes.

*****

I went shopping this week with my sister.  For baby clothes.  For my baby.  It's something I've dreamed of doing for so long that I can't actually believe it really happened.  We ooohed and aahhed over tiny pants and sweaters.  We shared frozen yogurt.  And I totally picked her mother-of-five mind for expert advice and tips and tricks.  A beautiful day.

*****

Kain and I are in the midst of another home study.  

{Insert eye roll}

The reason is this:  Because we have to.

It is frustrating to go through steps identical to those we completed just months ago.  It's annoying to have our home and lives and check book and marriage scrutinized.  Again.

But the reality is that we have to complete these tasks if we want to bring our baby home.  And at this point I would do pretty much anything to bring this baby home.

Here's a rough picture of everything that we had to copy/sign/gather:

An application (along with a hefty fee) for Child Placement

{this is with a separate agency, it's kind of a long story}

A Clearance Registry Form (I assume this is something that we signed, but I can't say for sure)

A Child Abuse Registry form

A fire inspection of our home

Personal references

Employer references

Medical statements

A financial statement

Fingerprints/BCI/FBI checks

Driver's licenses

2013 tax returns

Proof of health and auto insurance

Marriage License

Birth certificates

Pet immunization records

Proof of income for 2 months

Utility bills

It seems like a lot, it is a lot, but the good new is ...  We have it all!  With the exception of Kain's medical form which should be filled out early next week.  We managed to get all of this together in a matter of days.  It's been stressful and complicated but it's almost over.

Here are some fun highlights.

We needed a fire inspection, I called at 1:30 on a Friday afternoon and the local inspector was at my house at 2:00 the same day!! THANK YOU FIRE INSPECTION GUY!!

I could not find our marriage license anywhere.  Honestly, we probably gave it to a social worker during some home visit (only partially joking, here).  When I called the very small probate court in the very small county where we were married, the super kind and understanding lady bucked the system and mailed me TWO copies without making me first send in a request form and check (both by mail).  THANK YOU ANONYMOUS PROBATE COURT LADY!!

We ambushed our friends at our weekly community group meeting and had them fill out our personal references on the spot with no warning.  And they complied.  And they were nice about it!! THANK YOU FRIENDS!!

Other completely NOT-coincidental-but-rather-perfectly-designed-and-planned-by-an-omniscient-Father things like this happened during the last week, making this quite possibly the fastest and smoothest gathering of home study documents in the history of ever!  THANK YOU LORD!!

We will complete the last thing (Kain's medical clearance) and mail our paperwork.  Then a social worker, Christin, will visit our home this Wednesday.  After that, Christin will be responsible for finalizing this home study and we will be cleared to proceed.

I am so anxious that something will delay the finalization and interrupt our ability to go home from the hospital with our baby.  Will you please pray for this specific thing?  Please pray that this home study will be completed in time without any hitches.

*****

I'm hoping that the next 24 days prove to be boring and are spent daydreaming and napping and dating my hubby and drinking hot coffee and decorating our house for autumn.  But if anything exciting should come up, I will be sure to let my blog-reading friends know!

Have I mentioned at all that there are only 24 days left?

And Then She Started Crying

As I mentioned a few days ago, we have (finally!) been matched with a birth mom! (Hooray!!) and we are excitedly moving toward a domestic newborn adoption in just a few weeks!

The day after we received "Tha Call" we were blessed with a chance to meet the birth mom who had chosen our profile and launched us down this incredibly surreal and humbling path.

Meeting her was awesome. Indescribable, really. I want to do this post justice. I want to give these words the meaningful respect they deserve. 

Here goes my inadequate attempt ...

We met her for lunch at a small restaurant in a neighboring town, l honestly cannot even remember the name of the place. I was too distracted to pay attention. l'm guessing it was something like

"Mom's Family Diner" or something because that's just the kind of place it was. Small, comfortable, homey. 

We sat down in a booth and all waited for someone else to speak first. l think it's safe to assume that everyone was very nervous! Our conversation seemed forced as we made generic small talk and asked impersonal questions.

It wasn't until she started crying that the walls came down.

As she cried silently, face in her hands, bearing the weight of this reality, my heart broke for her. I can't imagine being in the position she is in or having to make the choice she is facing. l didn't know what to say. I wanted to grab her, pull her close, hold her, let her literally cry on my shoulder, but l had only known her for 5 minutes and l didn't want to overstep my position. 

Kain spoke first, telling her that we knew this was an impossible situation. We told her that we would never forget that she is making this choice out of love, not out of indifference. We told her that we would always tell the baby how much of her heart they hold. We told her that she would watch the baby grow through pictures and letters, that she would know they were ok. We said that if she wanted to see them down the road, we could talk about that when she was ready. We tried to say everything we could to reassure and comfort her. 

And a few moments later she lifted her face and wiped her eyes on her sleeve and thanked us. She told us that we made her feel so much better. That she was even more confident and comfortable now. 

Blessed. 

Our lunch continued with sharing stories and pictures and just getting to know each other. A few times a I grabbed Kain's hand under the table and gave him an "I can't believe this is happening" squeeze.

I wanted her to see *us*. I wanted her to see real life people with flaws and also with potential, not just the 2-dimensional versions of ourselves we presented on our profile. 

We are human, we long to be a mom and a dad, we laugh, we cry, we sympathize, we stutter, we spill food out of our mouths. We pray, we hold hands, we disagree. I wanted her to know that she wasn't placing her baby in a plastic world. That we aren't perfect, but we can still be the perfect choice for her. 

We ended our meeting when we all ran out of things to say. We payed the bill and walked outside. Her grandmother had come along but opted to stay in the car to give us some time alone to get acquainted. We met her in the parking lot. Another aspect of this complex puzzle. 

It's been almost 5 weeks since we first met her and I'm still processing everything. How do you walk this road? How do you get comfortable without being naive? How do you share yourself without overwhelming an already overwhelmed girl? How do you say thank you for a priceless gift?

It's by God's grace that we are here. And I am confident in His sustaining strength and presence. 

****

Father, 

Give us wisdom, discernment, and peace as we navigate forming this bond. Show us how to make the most of this relationship without erasing all sense of boundary. Help us to know what's right, Lord. And please allow us to move forward without any complications. Allow this baby to be our baby. 

In my brother's name I pray, Amen

****

It still feels like a dream. It still feels unstable. And it still feels amazing.

Thank you for your support, for you prayers, and for being here reading my heart. 

Thank you. 

Clueless

Baby stuff is so incredibly adorable!

And I'm having fun oogling it at every chance I get.

As I mentioned last week, we are down to just a few weeks until our little miracle arrives! I'm trying to be rational and not go crazy buying every little thing, while balancing that with preparing and allowing myself to hope and plan and dream and fall in deep.

So I've picked up a few things.  And one of our extra bedrooms is now pretty baby friendly, needing just a few details (like a dresser, bedding, and frames for the artwork I've scored on Etsy) to make it complete.

A beautiful piece that my  beautiful sister has ordered for us, waiting on it to arrive...

I'm readying my home, and my heart.  

But my brain?  My brain is far from ready...

I'm totally overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have absolutely no idea how to be a parent.  Like basic stuff is completely escaping me.  I know that I will have my mom and my sister, and the internet, and hopefully some sort of maternal instinct... but to be honest - I'm kind of freaking out here.

Like -- what do you even *do* with a baby??!?

Hold them? Feed them? Change them? Stare at them?

It sounds good, but is that really it? Like how do you know if they want to be swaddled, or if they're cold, or if their formula is giving them an upset tummy? How do you know if they want a different brand of pacifier or if they would rather be sleeping on their tummy (don't call the authorities, I plan to put baby on their back, as long as they'll sleep that way) or if you're putting their diaper on too tightly? How do you know if they're ready for solid foods, if the bath water is warm enough, if you need to move their crib mattress down?

And seriously, what do you actually do all day long?

It's questions like these that woke me up at 4 this morning and have been playing on a continuous loop pretty much ever since. 

If you have advice, please feel free to chime in, here. I'm not too proud to listen to what someone who's been there/done that has to say... No for real, help a sister out...

EEK!!!!

Dear Baby

See what "Dear Baby" is all about here

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Dear Baby,

You're almost here!! Do you know how much we love you already??? Ugh, so much that our hearts ache!!

You are such an incredible, unbelievable answer to our years of praying.

Baby, Daddy and I got to meet your birth mom a few weeks ago, she is so sweet and kind and smart and beautiful.  She has a huge heart.  She made us laugh.  I hope that you are like her in all of those ways.

As we get ready in these last few weeks, I'm praying constantly for you.  I pray that your little body is growing and resting and all your little tiny baby organs are up for the challenge of life on the outside.  I pray that you enter this world completely anticlimactically. No drama, no problems, just straightforward and simple.  I pray for your birth mom.  I pray with fervor that she is preparing her heart for this completely impossible decision. I pray that she has supportive family and friends surrounding her.  I pray that she trusts us, that she has peace from Jesus, that she is ready. 

I have been getting your nursery ready for you.  I hope you like it! I think it's super fun, so bright and cheery.

Do you know that your dad and I picked out your name this week?? It's not what I thought it was going to be...  And I love it!  I can't wait for you to hear us say it to you.  I can't wait to give you a new identity as our baby.  That means more than just a name, but a name is a beginning.

Baby ... My heart is so full!! There are so many things to say to you.  All in due time.

For now, baby, just know that I am missing you, loving you, and waiting as patiently as possible for that day when our eyes meet.

I can't wait!!

All my love,

Mommy

The Call

I have been trying to come up with what to say for days.

I've been stuck ... 87% terrified that writing it all out would be too scary 13% unsure of how to say it

{rough estimates}

*****

It's been 3 weeks and 5 days since we got the call.

It was not at all how I had imagined it would be.  Expectations will do that to you...

It was a Friday, I was at work.  It was a super busy day in the hospital and by 2 pm I still hadn't had a chance to stop for a lunch break.  When my grumbling stomach and my sanity couldn't take it any more I headed for our little break room and pulled out my purple lunch box.

I was mindlessly playing on my phone, the break room television was playing, and I was eating cucumbers and hummus.

The phone rang.

It was a number that I didn't recognize.  I answered.

"Kate?  Hi this is Kim...."

And I knew.  Our social worker, Rachel, had mentioned that when we had been matched with a birth mother, Kim would be the one to call.  

"I'm calling to let you know that you have been picked by a birth mom! Not that I'm surprised because your profile is 'awesome'!" 

All I could get out was, "What??"

Kim continued that the birth mother from an "opportunity" that we had responded to (I mentioned these in this post) had selected our profile and wanted to meet and get to know us!  She asked when we would be available and I responded with "tomorrow should be fine"

We talked for a few moments, with an expectation that Kim would contact the birth mom and call me back with details about when and where to meet.  

I immediately called Kain, "Hey do you have any plans for tomorrow?" 

"No I don't think so, why?"

"Want to go meet a birth mom?"

"What??"

"We got picked!!"

We laughed and talked for a few minutes and before we hung up, Kain said, "how do you expect me to get any work done now??"

I felt the exact same way.  I was so excited!  I couldn't finish my lunch, so I went back to work.  I tried to sit down and do some charting, but my hands were shaking, and my stomach was flipping around, and my head was spinning, and I couldn't stop smiling.  I barged into my managers office and blurted out what was happening.  She was so kind and supportive and excited for me.  What a blessing.  

I told her that I just needed to sit there for a few minutes and freak out.  She said that was fine.

I spent the next few hours finishing up my work, walking on cloud nine.  I went home and spent the evening with my hubby.  We cuddled on the couch and watched television, trying not to think too much about what was happening.

So that's where we are right now.  Our profile is on hold at the agency as we move forward towards a placement.  It's the most unbelievable, exciting, humbling, wonderful and terrifying thing! 

We are still being cautious.  That's why I've struggled with writing this post for 3 weeks.  I want to scream from our rooftop that we are FINALLY going to be parents, but I also want to cover myself in bubble wrap and protect my fragile heart.  Nothing is a sure thing in adoption.  This sweet birth mom could change her mind.  We could be back to square one, waiting, broken.  But it could also be the answer to our years of praying.  It could be perfect.  It could be seamless.  Only time will tell.

We are down to just a few weeks until this baby's due date.  There's much to be done to ready our home and our hearts for a new life. I've been getting a nursery ready, and someday I will share that space with you.  

{Can I tell you that it's pretty much the cutest room you have ever seen??!!}

Some of the more personal details of this story are going to remain personal, but I will try to be as honest and transparent as possible with what I can share.  

Please remember us in your prayers.  Please pray that this birth mom and this baby are healthy, are safe, and are developing perfectly.  Please pray for God's will to be done. I hope God's will is that this is our baby, but I trust Him, and I know that His plan and His timing is perfect.  So we will wait.  We will take careful and guarded steps forward.  And we will rejoice that we serve a God who hears us, who answers prayers, and who loves us beyond measure.