A Crazy Dream, Some Insecurity, and a Little Transparency Too...

The last time that we had a match with our adoption agency, I was pretty tight-lipped about the details.  I was trying to protect our future family and the baby's birth family. 

I want this to be a space  to talk about all different aspect of adoption.  And to be a place of honesty.  There's no point in painting everything rosy, when that's not reality. 

So I think I'll be more open this time around.  I will still have some boundaries, of course, but I'd like to try to be more transparent.

Maybe this intro is totally unnecessary, but I felt like I needed to say it. 

Whaevs.

We are planning for an adoption of a baby BOY due April 26. 

And, here's the thing -- he's black.

I have no problem with becoming a transracial family.  None.  We have been talking about it and preparing for it for years now.  I can honestly say that I've been picturing us with a little baby boy since we first got engaged, and in my mind he's always been black.  But I can't say that I'm not nervous.

On one hand I think - it will be FINE, love conquers all, I wouldn't care if he was polka dotted - I just want him to be mine.

On the other, I'm pretty sure that I am completely unprepared to teach him how to be a black man.  What reference do I have?  How do I reconcile my white privilege that will become inherently his own with the struggles that his culture has faced for hundreds of years? 

How do I pretend like racism and profiling are nonexistent.  I don't encounter them very often because 1) I'm white and 2) I live in a (mostly) white community, go to a (mostly) white church, work at a (mostly) white hospital....  I'm very very rarely the minority.  That will change when we bring him home, being a transracial adoptive family makes us a minority.  But I don't care about me - I care about him. 

I truly completely believe that through the power of adoption, he will be transformed, he will have a different identity.  He will be our child, NOT our adopted child.  But, come on, no one is going to be fooled that because he's ours that he is somehow not black.

I don't want his heritage or his skin to define him, to hinder him in any way, to put him at any unfair disadvantage, or to be the only thing we ever talk about.  But I can't pretend like for the rest of his life it will never be an issue.  That would be obtuse.  That would be doing him a disservice and I already love him way too much to do that to him.

****

I had this unsettling dream last night; Kain and I had adopted our little boy, and a few years had passed - he seemed to be about 5 years old or so - and we decided to take him on a mission trip to Africa.  

{This isn't completely out of the realm of possible reality - we have both been to Africa before (Kain twice), we love missions, and we are definitely excited to expose our children to other cultures throughout their lives.}

In the dream, we were confronted by a group of African leaders who declared that us being his parents was inappropriate and unnatural.  And they took him from us. And we couldn't find him, and we were being chased back to America.  And I woke up panicked that I had lost him, 

****

The dream brings to light a few of the insecurities that I'm facing at the moment.

First, that I am unprepared for what's coming.

Second, that our family will be judged as inappropriate and unnatural.

I don't care what people will think about our family, I really don't.  People who judge other's worth, value, or place in this world based solely on skin tone are ridiculous and ignorant.  They should be embarrassed.

But, I don't ever want our baby boy to hurt.  I don't ever want him to wish he was something else.  I don't ever want him to feel ashamed of the way he was created. 

So that's where I am.  I'm scared.  Don't get me wrong - I am so excited, and totally counting the days until we get to stare into his chocolate eyes and place his tiny hands in ours (80).  

But I'm scared for all the ways that this world will fail him.  And all the ways that I won't be able to protect him.  And all the ways that I myself will fail him. 

Please be praying for us, friends. I'm humbly seeking wisdom that reaches far beyond my own knowledge and experience.  I'm asking that his little heart will be spared as much pain as possible.  And we're hoping for grace as we transition into the role of parents to a child of a different color. 

Here We Go Again ....

We answered another call

Had another meeting

Received another match

Another sweet babe is due to be ours in a matter of weeks!

I'm thrilled, and terrified.

I've mostly been guarding myself, and not thinking too much about the whole thing.

Which, of course, makes me sad.  I want to be excited and to fully embrace all the anticipation and planning that should go along with the next 12 weeks.

We want this so badly, but we are so scared.

Will you pray for me, friends? Will you lift us up? 

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Catching Up

Well, life goes on.

We did not bring home a baby in October.

We had to move forward.  

We have to embrace the life we have been given even on the days when the circumstances aren't what we would choose.  So we've been busy.  Here's what the last few months have looked like at our house.  

Kain and I took our bruised hearts to the beach the week of the baby's due date.  It was not the same as becoming parents, but it was a great time of rest, relaxation, and repair.  It was good.  It was needed.

The view from our hotel balcony -- we even saw dolphins one day!

When we got back from vacation, I started a new job!  My RN goal has always been to work somewhere on the OB floor, and towards the end of the summer I finally had enough nerve to apply.  I was beyond thrilled when I was offered a job a few weeks later at the same hospital where I already worked.

I was nervous that my fresh "no baby" wounds would be kept open and raw in this environment.  Fortunately instead, I am loving every minute.  I am now working in the Special Care Nursery.  A Level II nursery where I care for the tiniest most vulnerable patients.  It's everything I wanted out of my role as an RN.  Challenging.  Full of heart.  A little bit scary.

Then came Thanksgiving.  We spent the day with my family - eating, decorating a Christmas tree at my mom's house, playing cards.

That morning before the festivities began, I allowed myself a moment alone in our empty nursery holding a "My First Thanksgiving" onsie and mourning the memories we wouldn't be making that day.  I had big expectations for what this holiday season would look like.  Expectations that were definitely not being met.  

Thanksgiving 2014

Happy Thanksgiving, mom

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Kain's family got together for an early Christmas.  His grandparents spend the winter in sunny Florida, so we usually celebrate early so they can be included.  

We did a gift exchange, Kain's mom made three different kinds of yummy soup, and everyone took some family pictures at the end.  It was a great time together.  

Grandpa Dick and Grandma Betty.  Love.

Kain's family

At the beginning of December, our church hosted a community Christmas gathering.  Kain and I were part of a live nativity.  We played Mary and Joesph.  It was about 4 degrees outside, so I let poor baby Jesus Isaac lay on that cold manger for 0.7 seconds before I wrapped him up in my bathrobe and snuggled him close  (His parents, our friends Amy and Kendall, were leading the music)

 

Christmas came and our new house was transformed into Party Central!

Our Missional Community Group got together for a super fun evening of games and feasting and photo booth props the weekend before Christmas.  I love these people so much.  I wish we could just all find houses on the same street and hang out every single day!!

My girls -- also, I got my hair cut!

Isn't he dapper with his top hat and pipe?

Then tragedy struck --- ok not really, but I did get the flu and was seriously so so SO sick!  I have never felt that miserable.  I flopped on the couch, feeling lousy, on a Saturday night and didn't get up until Tuesday.  Ugh.  I don't even want to remember.  All I can say is "thank you, God, for allowing people to invent Tamiflu!!"

On Christmas Eve we went to church for our traditional candlelight service.  It's one of my favorite things, when the lights go out and then little by little the room fills up with the glow of candlelight.  A beautiful reminder that we are the light of the world, commissioned to spread the good news of Jesus like wildfire. 

 I tried to avoid contact with everyone for fear of inflicting my horrible germs onto them.  But did convince our friend Chris to hold my phone long enough to take this picture of us.  It's my new favorite

We had to reschedule the Christmas get-together with my family due to the above mentioned weekend of ick, but on Christmas Day, I was feeling much better and had Kain's family (plus an uncle) over for brunch which extended into dinner.  Unfortunately - I didn't snap a single picture of that day.  Maybe that's a good thing, I was in the moment and not holding a camera/phone.  I'll call it a win.

Here's a picture of Ranger and the Christmas tree instead!

I had to work all day on New Year's Eve, so we kept that evening pretty mellow.  Wine, a movie, and an alarm on the phone so I could wake up at 11:55. I did wake up, but then I fell back asleep until Kain said, "babe, you have 30 seconds!" I opened my eyes long enough to watch the ball drop and then headed to bed!  I'm a party animal, can you tell?

New Year's Day we stayed home, made a pork loin and sauerkraut, and enjoyed a quiet day in.  

Scrabble and champagne were on our agenda.  And neither disappointed.

Let the record show that I won.

The next weekend my family came over for our rescheduled Christmas.  It happened to fall on what would have been my dad's 70th birthday and that made being all together even more special.  My mom gave each of us a huge binder she put together full of at least 6 generations of our genealogy.  What a gift to see pictures of our grandparents and their families, to read about our great grandparents journey to America, to know everyone's middle name!  We played games, ate (do you sense a theme?? It seems like all I did was eat for like five weeks straight!!), exchanged charitable gifts (Kain and I gave donations to our adoption agency's fund that provides resources, education, and counselling to adopted children throughout their entire life) and of course, took some photo booth pics.

My seester.  She thinks she's so clever.  Obviously I'm the nice one.

And that's about it!  Now it's almost the middle of January and all is well.

Adoption is still on our minds and on our horizons.  We still love Jesus above everything else.  We still love spending our time with our friends and family.  Ranger is still the cutest smartest dog ever.  

I'm hopeful that this year this blog will document the days we become parents.  I'm hopeful that 2015 will be a year to remember.  I'm hopeful.

What about you -- what have you been up to??

Just Like That ...

I have started and erased this post 18 times.  Words are escaping me.

****

The painful reality of an adoption plan is this.  Nothing is for sure.

Somewhere, sometime, for some reason, something has gone awry with our adoption plan.

We are just days away from a due date, but we are back to the beginning.  

We were matched with a birth mom 10 weeks ago today.  But for the last several weeks, no one has been able to reach her.  Today I tried to text her cell phone and got a reply from someone else letting me know that I had the wrong number.  

The social worker has called, sent texts and letters, all with no return. This birth mom has taken herself out of the picture.  We have to assume she is making the choice to parent this child herself.  We have to assume that she is choosing a different path.

I'm a little bit broken, a little bit angry, a little bit hopeless, a little bit sad.

I'm also a little bit OK, a little bit calm, a little bit expectant, and a little bit joyful.

****

That could sound totally horrible -- how can I be joyful? How can I be OK? The rug was just literally ripped out from under us!

One word.  Jesus.

I've been here.  I've walked this dark twisty rocky impossible road.  And at the end was Jesus.  He's my constant.  He's my rock.  He's my joy, my peace, my hope, my light.  I can be OK because Jesus is steadfast and is good.  I can be OK because letting go and letting Him hold me is so much better than holding onto the broken, angry, hopeless, sadness.   

It's not easy.  I still want to cry and throw things and eat my entire weight in chocolate followed by my entire weight in peanut butter.  I still want this baby to be mine.  I still ache to feel him in my arms. 

And I'm not oblivious. I know that bad days will come, that I will still feel the pain of loss.  I know that.

But I'm choosing to focus on the good.  It's good that this baby is so loved.  It's good that Jesus spared us from seeing him and holding him before this change of heart took place.  It's good that another opportunity may be just around the corner.  It's good that Kain and I have each other to lean on, to understand the bad days, and to move forward with.  It's good that we are so prepared for the next time.  It's good that there will be a next time.  

****

I posted all of these verses on my last Love and Loss post.  And they still ring with truth. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

****

Please keep praying for us, friends.  Please pray that our dreams of being parents will be fulfilled.  That we will find the right match.  And that we will be able to hold onto joy and calm and hope and OK.

Dear Baby

I've been writing these notes for our baby for over a year and a half as we have anticipated their arrival.  Find out more about them here

****

Dear Baby,

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is perfect for jeans and sweaters and boots, the decorations are warm earthy tones of golden and green and orange, there's pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING.  I just love fall. 

But this year, it's different.  It's not just about all of my favorite things.  This year, fall is about YOU!

Your arrival is getting closer every day.  We're down to just over 2 weeks (!!) and that anticipation and excitement is making this fall so much more than just fun and tasty.  It makes this fall JOYFUL.

Baby, we are so ready for you! We are so ready to see you, to hold you, to provide for you.  We are so ready to kiss your cheeks, to feel your breathing, to watch you grow.  We are so ready to play with you, to figure out your favorite things, to rock and cuddle you.  We are just ready. 

19 sleeps, baby.  That's all that separates us.  I can't wait!!!!

Know that we are praying for you every day, and for your birth mom too.  We are praying for your health and your safety, for your growing body, for your developing mind.  And for her heart - it will be broken by this, I'm sure. But we pray now that God will bring her healing and will be ever present during her pain and sorrow.

You are so special already, baby.  You are so wanted.  You are so so so loved.

See you soon, sweet one.  Until then, rest and grow my tiny blessing.  

All my love always,

Mommy

Random Ramblings

There are 24 days (in theory - babies are unpredictable I hear) standing between us and our babe.

24 desperately long days

24 impossibly short days

October 28.

That's our baby's due date.

I'm practically counting the minutes.

*****

I went shopping this week with my sister.  For baby clothes.  For my baby.  It's something I've dreamed of doing for so long that I can't actually believe it really happened.  We ooohed and aahhed over tiny pants and sweaters.  We shared frozen yogurt.  And I totally picked her mother-of-five mind for expert advice and tips and tricks.  A beautiful day.

*****

Kain and I are in the midst of another home study.  

{Insert eye roll}

The reason is this:  Because we have to.

It is frustrating to go through steps identical to those we completed just months ago.  It's annoying to have our home and lives and check book and marriage scrutinized.  Again.

But the reality is that we have to complete these tasks if we want to bring our baby home.  And at this point I would do pretty much anything to bring this baby home.

Here's a rough picture of everything that we had to copy/sign/gather:

An application (along with a hefty fee) for Child Placement

{this is with a separate agency, it's kind of a long story}

A Clearance Registry Form (I assume this is something that we signed, but I can't say for sure)

A Child Abuse Registry form

A fire inspection of our home

Personal references

Employer references

Medical statements

A financial statement

Fingerprints/BCI/FBI checks

Driver's licenses

2013 tax returns

Proof of health and auto insurance

Marriage License

Birth certificates

Pet immunization records

Proof of income for 2 months

Utility bills

It seems like a lot, it is a lot, but the good new is ...  We have it all!  With the exception of Kain's medical form which should be filled out early next week.  We managed to get all of this together in a matter of days.  It's been stressful and complicated but it's almost over.

Here are some fun highlights.

We needed a fire inspection, I called at 1:30 on a Friday afternoon and the local inspector was at my house at 2:00 the same day!! THANK YOU FIRE INSPECTION GUY!!

I could not find our marriage license anywhere.  Honestly, we probably gave it to a social worker during some home visit (only partially joking, here).  When I called the very small probate court in the very small county where we were married, the super kind and understanding lady bucked the system and mailed me TWO copies without making me first send in a request form and check (both by mail).  THANK YOU ANONYMOUS PROBATE COURT LADY!!

We ambushed our friends at our weekly community group meeting and had them fill out our personal references on the spot with no warning.  And they complied.  And they were nice about it!! THANK YOU FRIENDS!!

Other completely NOT-coincidental-but-rather-perfectly-designed-and-planned-by-an-omniscient-Father things like this happened during the last week, making this quite possibly the fastest and smoothest gathering of home study documents in the history of ever!  THANK YOU LORD!!

We will complete the last thing (Kain's medical clearance) and mail our paperwork.  Then a social worker, Christin, will visit our home this Wednesday.  After that, Christin will be responsible for finalizing this home study and we will be cleared to proceed.

I am so anxious that something will delay the finalization and interrupt our ability to go home from the hospital with our baby.  Will you please pray for this specific thing?  Please pray that this home study will be completed in time without any hitches.

*****

I'm hoping that the next 24 days prove to be boring and are spent daydreaming and napping and dating my hubby and drinking hot coffee and decorating our house for autumn.  But if anything exciting should come up, I will be sure to let my blog-reading friends know!

Have I mentioned at all that there are only 24 days left?

And Then She Started Crying

As I mentioned a few days ago, we have (finally!) been matched with a birth mom! (Hooray!!) and we are excitedly moving toward a domestic newborn adoption in just a few weeks!

The day after we received "Tha Call" we were blessed with a chance to meet the birth mom who had chosen our profile and launched us down this incredibly surreal and humbling path.

Meeting her was awesome. Indescribable, really. I want to do this post justice. I want to give these words the meaningful respect they deserve. 

Here goes my inadequate attempt ...

We met her for lunch at a small restaurant in a neighboring town, l honestly cannot even remember the name of the place. I was too distracted to pay attention. l'm guessing it was something like

"Mom's Family Diner" or something because that's just the kind of place it was. Small, comfortable, homey. 

We sat down in a booth and all waited for someone else to speak first. l think it's safe to assume that everyone was very nervous! Our conversation seemed forced as we made generic small talk and asked impersonal questions.

It wasn't until she started crying that the walls came down.

As she cried silently, face in her hands, bearing the weight of this reality, my heart broke for her. I can't imagine being in the position she is in or having to make the choice she is facing. l didn't know what to say. I wanted to grab her, pull her close, hold her, let her literally cry on my shoulder, but l had only known her for 5 minutes and l didn't want to overstep my position. 

Kain spoke first, telling her that we knew this was an impossible situation. We told her that we would never forget that she is making this choice out of love, not out of indifference. We told her that we would always tell the baby how much of her heart they hold. We told her that she would watch the baby grow through pictures and letters, that she would know they were ok. We said that if she wanted to see them down the road, we could talk about that when she was ready. We tried to say everything we could to reassure and comfort her. 

And a few moments later she lifted her face and wiped her eyes on her sleeve and thanked us. She told us that we made her feel so much better. That she was even more confident and comfortable now. 

Blessed. 

Our lunch continued with sharing stories and pictures and just getting to know each other. A few times a I grabbed Kain's hand under the table and gave him an "I can't believe this is happening" squeeze.

I wanted her to see *us*. I wanted her to see real life people with flaws and also with potential, not just the 2-dimensional versions of ourselves we presented on our profile. 

We are human, we long to be a mom and a dad, we laugh, we cry, we sympathize, we stutter, we spill food out of our mouths. We pray, we hold hands, we disagree. I wanted her to know that she wasn't placing her baby in a plastic world. That we aren't perfect, but we can still be the perfect choice for her. 

We ended our meeting when we all ran out of things to say. We payed the bill and walked outside. Her grandmother had come along but opted to stay in the car to give us some time alone to get acquainted. We met her in the parking lot. Another aspect of this complex puzzle. 

It's been almost 5 weeks since we first met her and I'm still processing everything. How do you walk this road? How do you get comfortable without being naive? How do you share yourself without overwhelming an already overwhelmed girl? How do you say thank you for a priceless gift?

It's by God's grace that we are here. And I am confident in His sustaining strength and presence. 

****

Father, 

Give us wisdom, discernment, and peace as we navigate forming this bond. Show us how to make the most of this relationship without erasing all sense of boundary. Help us to know what's right, Lord. And please allow us to move forward without any complications. Allow this baby to be our baby. 

In my brother's name I pray, Amen

****

It still feels like a dream. It still feels unstable. And it still feels amazing.

Thank you for your support, for you prayers, and for being here reading my heart. 

Thank you.