Quote Me

*****

It's true, but fortunately, it's not the end of the story.

Breakdown

I will always try, for the most part, to keep this blog a space for positive attitudes and optimism.  That's because 1) I'm a positive and optimistic person, and 2) I want to be serious about living out loud my belief that adoption is a positive thing.

But...

There is still pain.  There is still heartache.  There is still frustration and disappointment and longing.

And that's exactly where I was yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon my emotions broke loose.  Was it because we are in this weird adoption holding zone?  Was it because we had the inspection for our new home and it didn't go as seamlessly as I had dreamed?  Was it because I'm tired and overwhelmed and needed a snack?  Was it because I try so hard to always keep it all together?  I don't know.  Probably all of the above.  

But whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I sat there yesterday crying the blues...

{I totally just made myself giggle.  Someone please tell me that you get the reference}

Kain was supportive and tried his best to talk me off of the proverbial ledge.  But I was having none of that logic stuff.  I felt like because the home inspection stirred up some concerns about this little dream house, there would be delays in moving, which would mean delays in our progress with adoption, which somehow manifested itself into feeling like we would never reach the end.  And it all just kept snowballing.

Finally I calmed down, we went to dinner at my mom's house (yum!!) and then on the way home, with a belly full of potato soup and apple crisp, I had some clarity.  

Here's where the story becomes less crazy breakdown cry face girl (that's a thing, trust me) and more - wow, God still speaks....

During my initial breakdown, I was angry.  Angry with God.  I kept thinking, "why did He give me this strong desire to have children when it feels like it is constantly just out of reach."

On the car ride home I started to pray silently and ask God if it was ok to be angry with Him.  

Meanwhile next to me my husband was talking - I was honestly not listening to what he was saying, I was praying.  Kain was talking to me about Job, he's studying Job right now and it's been a topic quite frequently.  He is loving this study.  About 10 seconds after I had asked God that question - Kain said "and then his other friend said to him, it doesn't matter if you didn't do anything wrong, you have no right to be angry with God.  Who are you compared to God?"  He kept on talking, and I am pretty sure that my jaw dropped down to my lap.  

God spoke.  Through Kain's Bible study, God spoke directly to me and my struggles.  Tell me that He's not omniscient.  

Is God intimidated by my anger with Him?  No.  Is my anger with Him righteous, justified, ok?  No.  

Who am I compared to God?  Nothing.  That's like the pot being angry with the potter, "Why am I red? I want to be green!  I don't have handles and I really like handles!! Darn you, potter!! What were you thinking??"

God doesn't owe me anything.  And my plans are just that - MY plans.  Submitting to His will, means surrendering what I think my life will look like. 

*****

Philippians 3:10 (Amplified)

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and more intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continuously transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death.

*****

I pretty much need 1440 reminders a day that my purpose is HIM.  My purpose is not buying a house, adopting a child, being a nurse, being a wife, hosting a community group, teaching Sunday School, or trying to live a righteous life.  Those are all good things, and they should be acts of worship to my Savior.  But they are not my purpose.  They are not my motivation.  They are not my salvation.

Does that make any sense?   This might be an entire post written for the sole purpose of reminding myself that my priorities were completely misplaced.  

Are you there, too?  Are you frustrated with your circumstances, feel like you're at another dead end, struggling with your purpose?  Have you evaluated if you are allowing idols to creep their way into your heart?  Seek Him.  Humble yourself and seek Him.  

When you feel defeated - seek Him.

When you feel depressed - seek Him.

When you are ready to quit fighting - seek Him.

Wherever you are right this second - stop and seek Him.

If you need prayer, friend, let me know.  Obviously, I've been there...

Dear Baby

See what this Dear Baby stuff is all about here

*****

Dear Baby,

It has been so busy here lately!

I want to tell you about Christmas.  This year was different.  My side of the family gathered a few days before Christmas and did the normal family stuff.  It was short and sweet, but we had a really nice day.  We were able to take this family picture:

The whole big crazy bunch

Here are a couple other pictures from that day

With Aunt Nancy

I made this blanket for Grandma's Christmas present.  It was a labor of love

Your loving Mom and Dad

A few days before Christmas, we had dinner with your Dad's side of the family.  I had to work that day, so I showed up late.  But it was still a nice night.  We snapped this nice family photo:

Love these folks!

The festivities continued!  Christmas Eve morning we went to your Dad's parents house and opened stockings and presents.  We went out to lunch and had a lovely day.

That night, we went out to dinner with Grandma and then went to church for our traditional candlelight gathering.  At church, Daddy and I read a passage of Scripture and Grandma read a Children's story.  It was wonderful as always.

On Christmas Day, I had to work.  I hated to be away from Daddy on Christmas, but I kept reminding myself that it was an opportunity to serve people who were also away from their families.  It was a pretty quiet day at the hospital.  Not too bad, really.

That night, Daddy and I exchanged our presents.  Simple and sweet.  A precious time of loving on each other by giving gifts.  Quite possibly our last Christmas with just the two of us at home.  That's an exciting thought!

You were on my mind during all of these parties, lunches, and gatherings.  I kept dreaming about spending Christmas with you.  I can't wait to watch your face when you open gifts, take you to see sparkling lights, give you your first taste of a soft buttery Snickerdoodle cookie... 

And mostly, I can't wait to tell you about the reason why we celebrate - not because of Santa, not because of commercialism, but because of Jesus.  Because Christ humbled himself and became a baby born in a dirty barn to impoverished teenage parents so that years down the road he could die on a cross to save us from the punishment we deserve for our sins.  I can't wait to tell you about his love for you.  It's the most important lesson I will ever share with you.  It's a huge responsibility.  I don't take it lightly.

Baby, I hope to see you soon.  I can't wait to get into our new house (did I tell you we bought a new house??) and set up a nursery for you.  I can't wait to hear your laugh and run my fingers through your hair.  I just want to be with you... It's hard to wait!  

Rest and grow little baby.  Wherever you are, rest and grow.

Always,

Mommy

Getting Back in the Swing

It's been over a month since I posted here.

It seems like a day!

December was extremely busy.  In mostly good ways.  And during the busyness, I completely neglected writing.  I was ok with that, because I had to prioritize things like eating and bathing and doing Christmas-y stuff.  But I also missed it.  I had developed a good rhythm and I hated to lose that momentum.  So - here we are; new year, new routine.  

Here are some of the (pretty huge) highlights from the last few weeks.

1) We went to two meetings with our adoption agency.  One was a large group meeting with all of the couples slated to begin this process in December.  I forgot to actually count but I think there was somewhere around 12 couples present.  Some had adopted before, some were first timers like us.  It was an overwhelming day of information and emotion.   We left excited and motivated.  A few days later we returned for a second gathering of just four couples.  We hashed out more specifics about the process, and continued to receive priceless education about adoption, children, parenting, and life.  We created a profile that our agency will share with women looking for adoptive families for their babies.  We were assigned a new social worker.  It was great.  At this point, we are in a bit of limbo (more on that in a second) but things are progressing nicely!

2) We are in the above mentioned state of limbo because ... we are moving!!  Our search for a new space took us to a lovely little house in a neighboring area.  We walked through it on a Saturday morning and were in contract by Sunday afternoon.  It was love at first sight for me.  It's not the biggest or fanciest house, but it meets the biggest criteria I held onto during the months of looking - it feels like a home.  This is a house where we can settle and grow.  If everything continues to work out, we should be moving around Valentine's Day.  What a great gift!  Once we move, we will need to redo some of our adoption paperwork, and that's why we are on hold for now.

That's our big news -- steps closer to bringing our babe home and steps closer to having a home to bring our babe to!  I'm feeling incredibly blessed. 

Strike that: I *AM* incredibly blessed.

Thank you so much for being part of our story, our journey.  I can't wait to share with you all that 2014 holds for us.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby is an open letter I write to my future child.  Read more about why here

****

Dear Baby,

Thanksgiving was last week.  Your family gathered together and cooked and ate and laughed and played cards.  The littles played games and watched videos and read books.  It made me so happy to know that someday, you'll be surrounded with love.  You will come home to a family that is just so full of love.

I made a cheesecake for Thanksgiving dessert.  It was a disaster.  My trusty cheesecake recipe failed me.  Or maybe it was this cheap apartment oven.  Either way, it was a mess.  Uncle Todd and I sliced into the cake hoping for a creamy slice of deliciousness and were met with raw cheesecake batter instead.  I threw as much of it as I could save from running onto the floor into a baking dish and baked it again.  I called it Cheesecake Mush.  Everyone still ate it - I think they were just being polite.

We have been approved by our adoption agency!  Did you know that??  Tomorrow we will go to an orientation meeting and figure out just what we need to do next to get you home.  We are so excited, baby.  You are the topic of conversation so frequently.  We don't know you, but we are making plans for you, about you, and around you.  We can't wait to be your Mom and Dad.  We can't wait to be a family of three.  I crocheted a Christmas stocking for Ranger today.  I want to make one for you too... but I'll wait until you're here.

Baby, you will never believe this, but we have been receiving donations from our friends toward the moneys we need to bring you home.  When I say that you are going to be loved, I don't just mean by us.  You are going to come into a world that is full of people who are praying for you, waiting for you, and already keeping a vacant space in their heart just for you.   I hope that you never EVER doubt that you are loved and wanted.  Because you 100% absolutely are.

{The letter that came from an anonymous friend.  What a blessing!}

I want you to know my prayers for you today:

1) That whenever you come, Daddy and I will always be diligent about sharing Jesus with you.  I pray that you will know Him as your Savior.  I pray that you will love Him even better than we do.
2) That God will provide the remaining money - $13,080 is still needed as of today.
3) That you are healthy
4) That you would be here soon.  (My secret hope is that you are here before Mother's Day.)
5) That we bond quickly.
6) That you always feel accepted, wanted, and loved by your family.
7) That I would be the Mommy that you need even when I'm not the Mommy that you want.

There are so many other things, baby.  But that's a good list for now.  I miss you!  I LOVE YOU!!  You had better get used to hearing that, because I have a feeling I'm going to say it to you about 497 times a day.

I'll be dreaming of you!

Always,

Mommy

****

Are you missing a baby today?  Do you have a Dear Baby letter you'd like to share?  Let me know and we can link it up!

Project Thankful {4}

I'm writing about what I'm thankful for all month! Catch up here, here, and here

November 22, Friday  I'm thankful for our mattress.  Is that silly?? When we got married we used Kain's mattress which was a hand-me-down from his parents.  It was old, it was broken down, it was a pain-inducing-sleep-wrecking nightmare of a mattress.  We decided to replace it earlier this year, we saved, we waited for a sale, and then we bought a new fancy mattress.  And I love it.  I'm thankful for restful sleep and waking up without an aching back!

November 23, Saturday  I'm thankful for social media.  I'm totally guilty of over-using social media.  Facebook on date night?  Been there, tweeted that.  But I am thankful for the connection to friends and family, the articles I would never read, the music I would never discover, and the photos I would never see.  

November 24, Sunday  I'm thankful for laughter.  I can't imagine life without laughter.  I can't imagine being serious all the time.  I am thankful that God made us to find humor in things. I'm thankful for every chuckle, guffaw, snort, and moment I've spent laughing so hard that I'm not actually making any sound.

November 25, Monday  I'm thankful for education.  My mom is a school principal.  She was a teacher before that.  Education was important in my family.  School was serious business.  I'm thankful for the sacrifices that my parents made to send me (and my siblings) to private school.  I'm thankful for the sacrifices that my husband made (four jobs!!) to support our family while I was in nursing school.  I'm thankful for the opportunities that education provides.  I hope to instill an appreciation for education into the lives and hearts of our future children.

November 26, Tuesday  I'm thankful for my vices; coffee and chocolate.  I mean, is there anything more to be said?? Hot coffee.  Milky chocolate.  I think I need to go get some right now....

Ok I'm back

November 27, Wednesday   I'm thankful for an anonymous friend.  In the mail today, I received a sweet letter that accompanied a cash donation toward our adoption fund.  No return address,  no signature, no indication of where this gift originated.  But I'm thankful, so thankful, to feel that people are behind us.  It's not that the gift was money, it's that it was support.  It was prayers for our future, it was knowing that we have a community of kindness and generosity to bring our child into.

November 28, Thursday  I'm thankful for my newest niece.  Her name is Gianna Belle.  She is teeny and tiny, and on this day I got to hold her for the first time.  I smelled her week-old baby smell.  I whispered that I love her.  I refused to share her with anyone else.  I'm so thankful for babies and the hope and joy that they bring wherever they are.

November 29, Friday I'm thankful for creative outlets.  Crocheting, doodling, baking, crafting, blogging, piano playing, singing... I have creative outlets.  I'm no pro at any of them, but they give me the release that my very serious, very rigid, very left-brained job hardly ever does.  I'm thankful for the gift it is to be creative.

November 30, Saturday  I'm thankful, most of all, more than anything else, for Jesus.  He is my everything.  He is my Rock and Redeemer.  He is my Savior and my Shepherd.  He is my King, my Father, my Deepest Love.  He came to earth as a man, lived a perfect life, and died on a cross for ME (and for YOU!!).  He chose me, adopted me, made me an heir.  I believe that He is the only way to be saved.  I believe that He is the only truth.  I believe that He is the giver of life.  And I believe that I will spend eternity with Him.  He is my hope, my joy, my peace, my strength.  He is my judge, my high priest, the one who sets me straight.  He knows my future, he knows the number of hairs on my head, he knows the deepest longings of my heart.  

I could write about how much I love Jesus all day.  He is the best part about me.  He is the only thing worth living for.  And if you don't understand this, if you aren't on board - let me share with you the good news that I've found.  Not because I think I'm superior (I'm not), not because I think that I know so much more than you (I don't), but because I love you and I want to share with you that which fills me so much.

So that's it.  My 30 days of thankful.

I'm thankful for this little project, and all of the reminders of the countless ways I've been blessed.

What about you?  What topped your 30 day list?  What are you thankful for right now? 

Learn What I Learned: Quad City Moms Blog

Quad City Moms Blog is a fun site I stumbled upon.  Here what Camye has to say about herself here

As an adoptive mom (to-be) it's easy to forget that you aren't the only involved party in this process.  It's easy to get caught up in your own waiting, longing, wishing, and dreaming.  It's easy to forget about the loss and pain, the woman who will miss that baby every day.  It's easy to be totally one-sided.

Read this story.  Remember the other side.

A Birthmom's Story