The last time that we had a match with our adoption agency, I was pretty tight-lipped about the details. I was trying to protect our future family and the baby's birth family.
I want this to be a space to talk about all different aspect of adoption. And to be a place of honesty. There's no point in painting everything rosy, when that's not reality.
So I think I'll be more open this time around. I will still have some boundaries, of course, but I'd like to try to be more transparent.
Maybe this intro is totally unnecessary, but I felt like I needed to say it.
Whaevs.
We are planning for an adoption of a baby BOY due April 26.
And, here's the thing -- he's black.
I have no problem with becoming a transracial family. None. We have been talking about it and preparing for it for years now. I can honestly say that I've been picturing us with a little baby boy since we first got engaged, and in my mind he's always been black. But I can't say that I'm not nervous.
On one hand I think - it will be FINE, love conquers all, I wouldn't care if he was polka dotted - I just want him to be mine.
On the other, I'm pretty sure that I am completely unprepared to teach him how to be a black man. What reference do I have? How do I reconcile my white privilege that will become inherently his own with the struggles that his culture has faced for hundreds of years?
How do I pretend like racism and profiling are nonexistent. I don't encounter them very often because 1) I'm white and 2) I live in a (mostly) white community, go to a (mostly) white church, work at a (mostly) white hospital.... I'm very very rarely the minority. That will change when we bring him home, being a transracial adoptive family makes us a minority. But I don't care about me - I care about him.
I truly completely believe that through the power of adoption, he will be transformed, he will have a different identity. He will be our child, NOT our adopted child. But, come on, no one is going to be fooled that because he's ours that he is somehow not black.
I don't want his heritage or his skin to define him, to hinder him in any way, to put him at any unfair disadvantage, or to be the only thing we ever talk about. But I can't pretend like for the rest of his life it will never be an issue. That would be obtuse. That would be doing him a disservice and I already love him way too much to do that to him.
****
I had this unsettling dream last night; Kain and I had adopted our little boy, and a few years had passed - he seemed to be about 5 years old or so - and we decided to take him on a mission trip to Africa.
{This isn't completely out of the realm of possible reality - we have both been to Africa before (Kain twice), we love missions, and we are definitely excited to expose our children to other cultures throughout their lives.}
In the dream, we were confronted by a group of African leaders who declared that us being his parents was inappropriate and unnatural. And they took him from us. And we couldn't find him, and we were being chased back to America. And I woke up panicked that I had lost him,
****
The dream brings to light a few of the insecurities that I'm facing at the moment.
First, that I am unprepared for what's coming.
Second, that our family will be judged as inappropriate and unnatural.
I don't care what people will think about our family, I really don't. People who judge other's worth, value, or place in this world based solely on skin tone are ridiculous and ignorant. They should be embarrassed.
But, I don't ever want our baby boy to hurt. I don't ever want him to wish he was something else. I don't ever want him to feel ashamed of the way he was created.
So that's where I am. I'm scared. Don't get me wrong - I am so excited, and totally counting the days until we get to stare into his chocolate eyes and place his tiny hands in ours (80).
But I'm scared for all the ways that this world will fail him. And all the ways that I won't be able to protect him. And all the ways that I myself will fail him.
Please be praying for us, friends. I'm humbly seeking wisdom that reaches far beyond my own knowledge and experience. I'm asking that his little heart will be spared as much pain as possible. And we're hoping for grace as we transition into the role of parents to a child of a different color.
