And Then She Started Crying

As I mentioned a few days ago, we have (finally!) been matched with a birth mom! (Hooray!!) and we are excitedly moving toward a domestic newborn adoption in just a few weeks!

The day after we received "Tha Call" we were blessed with a chance to meet the birth mom who had chosen our profile and launched us down this incredibly surreal and humbling path.

Meeting her was awesome. Indescribable, really. I want to do this post justice. I want to give these words the meaningful respect they deserve. 

Here goes my inadequate attempt ...

We met her for lunch at a small restaurant in a neighboring town, l honestly cannot even remember the name of the place. I was too distracted to pay attention. l'm guessing it was something like

"Mom's Family Diner" or something because that's just the kind of place it was. Small, comfortable, homey. 

We sat down in a booth and all waited for someone else to speak first. l think it's safe to assume that everyone was very nervous! Our conversation seemed forced as we made generic small talk and asked impersonal questions.

It wasn't until she started crying that the walls came down.

As she cried silently, face in her hands, bearing the weight of this reality, my heart broke for her. I can't imagine being in the position she is in or having to make the choice she is facing. l didn't know what to say. I wanted to grab her, pull her close, hold her, let her literally cry on my shoulder, but l had only known her for 5 minutes and l didn't want to overstep my position. 

Kain spoke first, telling her that we knew this was an impossible situation. We told her that we would never forget that she is making this choice out of love, not out of indifference. We told her that we would always tell the baby how much of her heart they hold. We told her that she would watch the baby grow through pictures and letters, that she would know they were ok. We said that if she wanted to see them down the road, we could talk about that when she was ready. We tried to say everything we could to reassure and comfort her. 

And a few moments later she lifted her face and wiped her eyes on her sleeve and thanked us. She told us that we made her feel so much better. That she was even more confident and comfortable now. 

Blessed. 

Our lunch continued with sharing stories and pictures and just getting to know each other. A few times a I grabbed Kain's hand under the table and gave him an "I can't believe this is happening" squeeze.

I wanted her to see *us*. I wanted her to see real life people with flaws and also with potential, not just the 2-dimensional versions of ourselves we presented on our profile. 

We are human, we long to be a mom and a dad, we laugh, we cry, we sympathize, we stutter, we spill food out of our mouths. We pray, we hold hands, we disagree. I wanted her to know that she wasn't placing her baby in a plastic world. That we aren't perfect, but we can still be the perfect choice for her. 

We ended our meeting when we all ran out of things to say. We payed the bill and walked outside. Her grandmother had come along but opted to stay in the car to give us some time alone to get acquainted. We met her in the parking lot. Another aspect of this complex puzzle. 

It's been almost 5 weeks since we first met her and I'm still processing everything. How do you walk this road? How do you get comfortable without being naive? How do you share yourself without overwhelming an already overwhelmed girl? How do you say thank you for a priceless gift?

It's by God's grace that we are here. And I am confident in His sustaining strength and presence. 

****

Father, 

Give us wisdom, discernment, and peace as we navigate forming this bond. Show us how to make the most of this relationship without erasing all sense of boundary. Help us to know what's right, Lord. And please allow us to move forward without any complications. Allow this baby to be our baby. 

In my brother's name I pray, Amen

****

It still feels like a dream. It still feels unstable. And it still feels amazing.

Thank you for your support, for you prayers, and for being here reading my heart. 

Thank you. 

Clueless

Baby stuff is so incredibly adorable!

And I'm having fun oogling it at every chance I get.

As I mentioned last week, we are down to just a few weeks until our little miracle arrives! I'm trying to be rational and not go crazy buying every little thing, while balancing that with preparing and allowing myself to hope and plan and dream and fall in deep.

So I've picked up a few things.  And one of our extra bedrooms is now pretty baby friendly, needing just a few details (like a dresser, bedding, and frames for the artwork I've scored on Etsy) to make it complete.

A beautiful piece that my  beautiful sister has ordered for us, waiting on it to arrive...

I'm readying my home, and my heart.  

But my brain?  My brain is far from ready...

I'm totally overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have absolutely no idea how to be a parent.  Like basic stuff is completely escaping me.  I know that I will have my mom and my sister, and the internet, and hopefully some sort of maternal instinct... but to be honest - I'm kind of freaking out here.

Like -- what do you even *do* with a baby??!?

Hold them? Feed them? Change them? Stare at them?

It sounds good, but is that really it? Like how do you know if they want to be swaddled, or if they're cold, or if their formula is giving them an upset tummy? How do you know if they want a different brand of pacifier or if they would rather be sleeping on their tummy (don't call the authorities, I plan to put baby on their back, as long as they'll sleep that way) or if you're putting their diaper on too tightly? How do you know if they're ready for solid foods, if the bath water is warm enough, if you need to move their crib mattress down?

And seriously, what do you actually do all day long?

It's questions like these that woke me up at 4 this morning and have been playing on a continuous loop pretty much ever since. 

If you have advice, please feel free to chime in, here. I'm not too proud to listen to what someone who's been there/done that has to say... No for real, help a sister out...

EEK!!!!

Dear Baby

See what "Dear Baby" is all about here

****

Dear Baby,

You're almost here!! Do you know how much we love you already??? Ugh, so much that our hearts ache!!

You are such an incredible, unbelievable answer to our years of praying.

Baby, Daddy and I got to meet your birth mom a few weeks ago, she is so sweet and kind and smart and beautiful.  She has a huge heart.  She made us laugh.  I hope that you are like her in all of those ways.

As we get ready in these last few weeks, I'm praying constantly for you.  I pray that your little body is growing and resting and all your little tiny baby organs are up for the challenge of life on the outside.  I pray that you enter this world completely anticlimactically. No drama, no problems, just straightforward and simple.  I pray for your birth mom.  I pray with fervor that she is preparing her heart for this completely impossible decision. I pray that she has supportive family and friends surrounding her.  I pray that she trusts us, that she has peace from Jesus, that she is ready. 

I have been getting your nursery ready for you.  I hope you like it! I think it's super fun, so bright and cheery.

Do you know that your dad and I picked out your name this week?? It's not what I thought it was going to be...  And I love it!  I can't wait for you to hear us say it to you.  I can't wait to give you a new identity as our baby.  That means more than just a name, but a name is a beginning.

Baby ... My heart is so full!! There are so many things to say to you.  All in due time.

For now, baby, just know that I am missing you, loving you, and waiting as patiently as possible for that day when our eyes meet.

I can't wait!!

All my love,

Mommy

The Call

I have been trying to come up with what to say for days.

I've been stuck ... 87% terrified that writing it all out would be too scary 13% unsure of how to say it

{rough estimates}

*****

It's been 3 weeks and 5 days since we got the call.

It was not at all how I had imagined it would be.  Expectations will do that to you...

It was a Friday, I was at work.  It was a super busy day in the hospital and by 2 pm I still hadn't had a chance to stop for a lunch break.  When my grumbling stomach and my sanity couldn't take it any more I headed for our little break room and pulled out my purple lunch box.

I was mindlessly playing on my phone, the break room television was playing, and I was eating cucumbers and hummus.

The phone rang.

It was a number that I didn't recognize.  I answered.

"Kate?  Hi this is Kim...."

And I knew.  Our social worker, Rachel, had mentioned that when we had been matched with a birth mother, Kim would be the one to call.  

"I'm calling to let you know that you have been picked by a birth mom! Not that I'm surprised because your profile is 'awesome'!" 

All I could get out was, "What??"

Kim continued that the birth mother from an "opportunity" that we had responded to (I mentioned these in this post) had selected our profile and wanted to meet and get to know us!  She asked when we would be available and I responded with "tomorrow should be fine"

We talked for a few moments, with an expectation that Kim would contact the birth mom and call me back with details about when and where to meet.  

I immediately called Kain, "Hey do you have any plans for tomorrow?" 

"No I don't think so, why?"

"Want to go meet a birth mom?"

"What??"

"We got picked!!"

We laughed and talked for a few minutes and before we hung up, Kain said, "how do you expect me to get any work done now??"

I felt the exact same way.  I was so excited!  I couldn't finish my lunch, so I went back to work.  I tried to sit down and do some charting, but my hands were shaking, and my stomach was flipping around, and my head was spinning, and I couldn't stop smiling.  I barged into my managers office and blurted out what was happening.  She was so kind and supportive and excited for me.  What a blessing.  

I told her that I just needed to sit there for a few minutes and freak out.  She said that was fine.

I spent the next few hours finishing up my work, walking on cloud nine.  I went home and spent the evening with my hubby.  We cuddled on the couch and watched television, trying not to think too much about what was happening.

So that's where we are right now.  Our profile is on hold at the agency as we move forward towards a placement.  It's the most unbelievable, exciting, humbling, wonderful and terrifying thing! 

We are still being cautious.  That's why I've struggled with writing this post for 3 weeks.  I want to scream from our rooftop that we are FINALLY going to be parents, but I also want to cover myself in bubble wrap and protect my fragile heart.  Nothing is a sure thing in adoption.  This sweet birth mom could change her mind.  We could be back to square one, waiting, broken.  But it could also be the answer to our years of praying.  It could be perfect.  It could be seamless.  Only time will tell.

We are down to just a few weeks until this baby's due date.  There's much to be done to ready our home and our hearts for a new life. I've been getting a nursery ready, and someday I will share that space with you.  

{Can I tell you that it's pretty much the cutest room you have ever seen??!!}

Some of the more personal details of this story are going to remain personal, but I will try to be as honest and transparent as possible with what I can share.  

Please remember us in your prayers.  Please pray that this birth mom and this baby are healthy, are safe, and are developing perfectly.  Please pray for God's will to be done. I hope God's will is that this is our baby, but I trust Him, and I know that His plan and His timing is perfect.  So we will wait.  We will take careful and guarded steps forward.  And we will rejoice that we serve a God who hears us, who answers prayers, and who loves us beyond measure.