Just Like That ...

I have started and erased this post 18 times.  Words are escaping me.

****

The painful reality of an adoption plan is this.  Nothing is for sure.

Somewhere, sometime, for some reason, something has gone awry with our adoption plan.

We are just days away from a due date, but we are back to the beginning.  

We were matched with a birth mom 10 weeks ago today.  But for the last several weeks, no one has been able to reach her.  Today I tried to text her cell phone and got a reply from someone else letting me know that I had the wrong number.  

The social worker has called, sent texts and letters, all with no return. This birth mom has taken herself out of the picture.  We have to assume she is making the choice to parent this child herself.  We have to assume that she is choosing a different path.

I'm a little bit broken, a little bit angry, a little bit hopeless, a little bit sad.

I'm also a little bit OK, a little bit calm, a little bit expectant, and a little bit joyful.

****

That could sound totally horrible -- how can I be joyful? How can I be OK? The rug was just literally ripped out from under us!

One word.  Jesus.

I've been here.  I've walked this dark twisty rocky impossible road.  And at the end was Jesus.  He's my constant.  He's my rock.  He's my joy, my peace, my hope, my light.  I can be OK because Jesus is steadfast and is good.  I can be OK because letting go and letting Him hold me is so much better than holding onto the broken, angry, hopeless, sadness.   

It's not easy.  I still want to cry and throw things and eat my entire weight in chocolate followed by my entire weight in peanut butter.  I still want this baby to be mine.  I still ache to feel him in my arms. 

And I'm not oblivious. I know that bad days will come, that I will still feel the pain of loss.  I know that.

But I'm choosing to focus on the good.  It's good that this baby is so loved.  It's good that Jesus spared us from seeing him and holding him before this change of heart took place.  It's good that another opportunity may be just around the corner.  It's good that Kain and I have each other to lean on, to understand the bad days, and to move forward with.  It's good that we are so prepared for the next time.  It's good that there will be a next time.  

****

I posted all of these verses on my last Love and Loss post.  And they still ring with truth. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

****

Please keep praying for us, friends.  Please pray that our dreams of being parents will be fulfilled.  That we will find the right match.  And that we will be able to hold onto joy and calm and hope and OK.

Dear Baby

I've been writing these notes for our baby for over a year and a half as we have anticipated their arrival.  Find out more about them here

****

Dear Baby,

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is perfect for jeans and sweaters and boots, the decorations are warm earthy tones of golden and green and orange, there's pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING.  I just love fall. 

But this year, it's different.  It's not just about all of my favorite things.  This year, fall is about YOU!

Your arrival is getting closer every day.  We're down to just over 2 weeks (!!) and that anticipation and excitement is making this fall so much more than just fun and tasty.  It makes this fall JOYFUL.

Baby, we are so ready for you! We are so ready to see you, to hold you, to provide for you.  We are so ready to kiss your cheeks, to feel your breathing, to watch you grow.  We are so ready to play with you, to figure out your favorite things, to rock and cuddle you.  We are just ready. 

19 sleeps, baby.  That's all that separates us.  I can't wait!!!!

Know that we are praying for you every day, and for your birth mom too.  We are praying for your health and your safety, for your growing body, for your developing mind.  And for her heart - it will be broken by this, I'm sure. But we pray now that God will bring her healing and will be ever present during her pain and sorrow.

You are so special already, baby.  You are so wanted.  You are so so so loved.

See you soon, sweet one.  Until then, rest and grow my tiny blessing.  

All my love always,

Mommy

Random Ramblings

There are 24 days (in theory - babies are unpredictable I hear) standing between us and our babe.

24 desperately long days

24 impossibly short days

October 28.

That's our baby's due date.

I'm practically counting the minutes.

*****

I went shopping this week with my sister.  For baby clothes.  For my baby.  It's something I've dreamed of doing for so long that I can't actually believe it really happened.  We ooohed and aahhed over tiny pants and sweaters.  We shared frozen yogurt.  And I totally picked her mother-of-five mind for expert advice and tips and tricks.  A beautiful day.

*****

Kain and I are in the midst of another home study.  

{Insert eye roll}

The reason is this:  Because we have to.

It is frustrating to go through steps identical to those we completed just months ago.  It's annoying to have our home and lives and check book and marriage scrutinized.  Again.

But the reality is that we have to complete these tasks if we want to bring our baby home.  And at this point I would do pretty much anything to bring this baby home.

Here's a rough picture of everything that we had to copy/sign/gather:

An application (along with a hefty fee) for Child Placement

{this is with a separate agency, it's kind of a long story}

A Clearance Registry Form (I assume this is something that we signed, but I can't say for sure)

A Child Abuse Registry form

A fire inspection of our home

Personal references

Employer references

Medical statements

A financial statement

Fingerprints/BCI/FBI checks

Driver's licenses

2013 tax returns

Proof of health and auto insurance

Marriage License

Birth certificates

Pet immunization records

Proof of income for 2 months

Utility bills

It seems like a lot, it is a lot, but the good new is ...  We have it all!  With the exception of Kain's medical form which should be filled out early next week.  We managed to get all of this together in a matter of days.  It's been stressful and complicated but it's almost over.

Here are some fun highlights.

We needed a fire inspection, I called at 1:30 on a Friday afternoon and the local inspector was at my house at 2:00 the same day!! THANK YOU FIRE INSPECTION GUY!!

I could not find our marriage license anywhere.  Honestly, we probably gave it to a social worker during some home visit (only partially joking, here).  When I called the very small probate court in the very small county where we were married, the super kind and understanding lady bucked the system and mailed me TWO copies without making me first send in a request form and check (both by mail).  THANK YOU ANONYMOUS PROBATE COURT LADY!!

We ambushed our friends at our weekly community group meeting and had them fill out our personal references on the spot with no warning.  And they complied.  And they were nice about it!! THANK YOU FRIENDS!!

Other completely NOT-coincidental-but-rather-perfectly-designed-and-planned-by-an-omniscient-Father things like this happened during the last week, making this quite possibly the fastest and smoothest gathering of home study documents in the history of ever!  THANK YOU LORD!!

We will complete the last thing (Kain's medical clearance) and mail our paperwork.  Then a social worker, Christin, will visit our home this Wednesday.  After that, Christin will be responsible for finalizing this home study and we will be cleared to proceed.

I am so anxious that something will delay the finalization and interrupt our ability to go home from the hospital with our baby.  Will you please pray for this specific thing?  Please pray that this home study will be completed in time without any hitches.

*****

I'm hoping that the next 24 days prove to be boring and are spent daydreaming and napping and dating my hubby and drinking hot coffee and decorating our house for autumn.  But if anything exciting should come up, I will be sure to let my blog-reading friends know!

Have I mentioned at all that there are only 24 days left?

And Then She Started Crying

As I mentioned a few days ago, we have (finally!) been matched with a birth mom! (Hooray!!) and we are excitedly moving toward a domestic newborn adoption in just a few weeks!

The day after we received "Tha Call" we were blessed with a chance to meet the birth mom who had chosen our profile and launched us down this incredibly surreal and humbling path.

Meeting her was awesome. Indescribable, really. I want to do this post justice. I want to give these words the meaningful respect they deserve. 

Here goes my inadequate attempt ...

We met her for lunch at a small restaurant in a neighboring town, l honestly cannot even remember the name of the place. I was too distracted to pay attention. l'm guessing it was something like

"Mom's Family Diner" or something because that's just the kind of place it was. Small, comfortable, homey. 

We sat down in a booth and all waited for someone else to speak first. l think it's safe to assume that everyone was very nervous! Our conversation seemed forced as we made generic small talk and asked impersonal questions.

It wasn't until she started crying that the walls came down.

As she cried silently, face in her hands, bearing the weight of this reality, my heart broke for her. I can't imagine being in the position she is in or having to make the choice she is facing. l didn't know what to say. I wanted to grab her, pull her close, hold her, let her literally cry on my shoulder, but l had only known her for 5 minutes and l didn't want to overstep my position. 

Kain spoke first, telling her that we knew this was an impossible situation. We told her that we would never forget that she is making this choice out of love, not out of indifference. We told her that we would always tell the baby how much of her heart they hold. We told her that she would watch the baby grow through pictures and letters, that she would know they were ok. We said that if she wanted to see them down the road, we could talk about that when she was ready. We tried to say everything we could to reassure and comfort her. 

And a few moments later she lifted her face and wiped her eyes on her sleeve and thanked us. She told us that we made her feel so much better. That she was even more confident and comfortable now. 

Blessed. 

Our lunch continued with sharing stories and pictures and just getting to know each other. A few times a I grabbed Kain's hand under the table and gave him an "I can't believe this is happening" squeeze.

I wanted her to see *us*. I wanted her to see real life people with flaws and also with potential, not just the 2-dimensional versions of ourselves we presented on our profile. 

We are human, we long to be a mom and a dad, we laugh, we cry, we sympathize, we stutter, we spill food out of our mouths. We pray, we hold hands, we disagree. I wanted her to know that she wasn't placing her baby in a plastic world. That we aren't perfect, but we can still be the perfect choice for her. 

We ended our meeting when we all ran out of things to say. We payed the bill and walked outside. Her grandmother had come along but opted to stay in the car to give us some time alone to get acquainted. We met her in the parking lot. Another aspect of this complex puzzle. 

It's been almost 5 weeks since we first met her and I'm still processing everything. How do you walk this road? How do you get comfortable without being naive? How do you share yourself without overwhelming an already overwhelmed girl? How do you say thank you for a priceless gift?

It's by God's grace that we are here. And I am confident in His sustaining strength and presence. 

****

Father, 

Give us wisdom, discernment, and peace as we navigate forming this bond. Show us how to make the most of this relationship without erasing all sense of boundary. Help us to know what's right, Lord. And please allow us to move forward without any complications. Allow this baby to be our baby. 

In my brother's name I pray, Amen

****

It still feels like a dream. It still feels unstable. And it still feels amazing.

Thank you for your support, for you prayers, and for being here reading my heart. 

Thank you. 

Clueless

Baby stuff is so incredibly adorable!

And I'm having fun oogling it at every chance I get.

As I mentioned last week, we are down to just a few weeks until our little miracle arrives! I'm trying to be rational and not go crazy buying every little thing, while balancing that with preparing and allowing myself to hope and plan and dream and fall in deep.

So I've picked up a few things.  And one of our extra bedrooms is now pretty baby friendly, needing just a few details (like a dresser, bedding, and frames for the artwork I've scored on Etsy) to make it complete.

A beautiful piece that my  beautiful sister has ordered for us, waiting on it to arrive...

I'm readying my home, and my heart.  

But my brain?  My brain is far from ready...

I'm totally overwhelmed with the knowledge that I have absolutely no idea how to be a parent.  Like basic stuff is completely escaping me.  I know that I will have my mom and my sister, and the internet, and hopefully some sort of maternal instinct... but to be honest - I'm kind of freaking out here.

Like -- what do you even *do* with a baby??!?

Hold them? Feed them? Change them? Stare at them?

It sounds good, but is that really it? Like how do you know if they want to be swaddled, or if they're cold, or if their formula is giving them an upset tummy? How do you know if they want a different brand of pacifier or if they would rather be sleeping on their tummy (don't call the authorities, I plan to put baby on their back, as long as they'll sleep that way) or if you're putting their diaper on too tightly? How do you know if they're ready for solid foods, if the bath water is warm enough, if you need to move their crib mattress down?

And seriously, what do you actually do all day long?

It's questions like these that woke me up at 4 this morning and have been playing on a continuous loop pretty much ever since. 

If you have advice, please feel free to chime in, here. I'm not too proud to listen to what someone who's been there/done that has to say... No for real, help a sister out...

EEK!!!!

Dear Baby

See what "Dear Baby" is all about here

****

Dear Baby,

You're almost here!! Do you know how much we love you already??? Ugh, so much that our hearts ache!!

You are such an incredible, unbelievable answer to our years of praying.

Baby, Daddy and I got to meet your birth mom a few weeks ago, she is so sweet and kind and smart and beautiful.  She has a huge heart.  She made us laugh.  I hope that you are like her in all of those ways.

As we get ready in these last few weeks, I'm praying constantly for you.  I pray that your little body is growing and resting and all your little tiny baby organs are up for the challenge of life on the outside.  I pray that you enter this world completely anticlimactically. No drama, no problems, just straightforward and simple.  I pray for your birth mom.  I pray with fervor that she is preparing her heart for this completely impossible decision. I pray that she has supportive family and friends surrounding her.  I pray that she trusts us, that she has peace from Jesus, that she is ready. 

I have been getting your nursery ready for you.  I hope you like it! I think it's super fun, so bright and cheery.

Do you know that your dad and I picked out your name this week?? It's not what I thought it was going to be...  And I love it!  I can't wait for you to hear us say it to you.  I can't wait to give you a new identity as our baby.  That means more than just a name, but a name is a beginning.

Baby ... My heart is so full!! There are so many things to say to you.  All in due time.

For now, baby, just know that I am missing you, loving you, and waiting as patiently as possible for that day when our eyes meet.

I can't wait!!

All my love,

Mommy

The Call

I have been trying to come up with what to say for days.

I've been stuck ... 87% terrified that writing it all out would be too scary 13% unsure of how to say it

{rough estimates}

*****

It's been 3 weeks and 5 days since we got the call.

It was not at all how I had imagined it would be.  Expectations will do that to you...

It was a Friday, I was at work.  It was a super busy day in the hospital and by 2 pm I still hadn't had a chance to stop for a lunch break.  When my grumbling stomach and my sanity couldn't take it any more I headed for our little break room and pulled out my purple lunch box.

I was mindlessly playing on my phone, the break room television was playing, and I was eating cucumbers and hummus.

The phone rang.

It was a number that I didn't recognize.  I answered.

"Kate?  Hi this is Kim...."

And I knew.  Our social worker, Rachel, had mentioned that when we had been matched with a birth mother, Kim would be the one to call.  

"I'm calling to let you know that you have been picked by a birth mom! Not that I'm surprised because your profile is 'awesome'!" 

All I could get out was, "What??"

Kim continued that the birth mother from an "opportunity" that we had responded to (I mentioned these in this post) had selected our profile and wanted to meet and get to know us!  She asked when we would be available and I responded with "tomorrow should be fine"

We talked for a few moments, with an expectation that Kim would contact the birth mom and call me back with details about when and where to meet.  

I immediately called Kain, "Hey do you have any plans for tomorrow?" 

"No I don't think so, why?"

"Want to go meet a birth mom?"

"What??"

"We got picked!!"

We laughed and talked for a few minutes and before we hung up, Kain said, "how do you expect me to get any work done now??"

I felt the exact same way.  I was so excited!  I couldn't finish my lunch, so I went back to work.  I tried to sit down and do some charting, but my hands were shaking, and my stomach was flipping around, and my head was spinning, and I couldn't stop smiling.  I barged into my managers office and blurted out what was happening.  She was so kind and supportive and excited for me.  What a blessing.  

I told her that I just needed to sit there for a few minutes and freak out.  She said that was fine.

I spent the next few hours finishing up my work, walking on cloud nine.  I went home and spent the evening with my hubby.  We cuddled on the couch and watched television, trying not to think too much about what was happening.

So that's where we are right now.  Our profile is on hold at the agency as we move forward towards a placement.  It's the most unbelievable, exciting, humbling, wonderful and terrifying thing! 

We are still being cautious.  That's why I've struggled with writing this post for 3 weeks.  I want to scream from our rooftop that we are FINALLY going to be parents, but I also want to cover myself in bubble wrap and protect my fragile heart.  Nothing is a sure thing in adoption.  This sweet birth mom could change her mind.  We could be back to square one, waiting, broken.  But it could also be the answer to our years of praying.  It could be perfect.  It could be seamless.  Only time will tell.

We are down to just a few weeks until this baby's due date.  There's much to be done to ready our home and our hearts for a new life. I've been getting a nursery ready, and someday I will share that space with you.  

{Can I tell you that it's pretty much the cutest room you have ever seen??!!}

Some of the more personal details of this story are going to remain personal, but I will try to be as honest and transparent as possible with what I can share.  

Please remember us in your prayers.  Please pray that this birth mom and this baby are healthy, are safe, and are developing perfectly.  Please pray for God's will to be done. I hope God's will is that this is our baby, but I trust Him, and I know that His plan and His timing is perfect.  So we will wait.  We will take careful and guarded steps forward.  And we will rejoice that we serve a God who hears us, who answers prayers, and who loves us beyond measure.

Where Has the Time Gone?

40 days? 

How has it been 40 days since I shared what is happening in our crazy happy beautiful life? 

When I last posted an update we were just back from vacation. What I didn't mention is that we received some great adoption news while we were at the beach! 

We are finally WAITING! 

All this work and papers and meetings have led to this - we are waiting. On the list. Full of (im)patient expectation. 

Our profile is posted on the adoption agency's website for any to see and they are sharing it with birth families who have criteria that we match. 

It's pretty exciting! 

Another part of working with our agency is something called "opportunities". I have mentioned those before - they are situations where extenuating circumstances make the adoption .... complicated (I think that's a fair word). Essentially before our profile is shared with these birth families we are contacted to see if we are ok with the details. That way the agency avoids a situation where a birth family has chosen an adoptive family and the adoptive family says "no". 

Obviously that could cause lots of heartache for the birth family. 

A few weeks ago we heard about one of these opportunities. It was so exciting to be in a position where a placement was possible. However, the details of this situation were unsettling for Kain and for me. We decided not to be shared with that birth family. 

Last week another opportunity was shared with us. It's even more complicated and overwhelming than the last. 

We have mostly decided again not to be shared with this birth family ("mostly" means that I'm still wrestling with the decision, having some second thoughts). But their life is incredibly hard right now and they have been weighing heavily on my mind and on my heart. Would you please join me in praying for them, for the baby they are carrying, and for the adoptive family that will bring that baby home? Pray for peace, for smooth transitions, for health, and for every little detail. 

And please keep praying for us too. Waiting is hard. Saying no to potential placements is impossibly hard. And remaining hopeful is hard too. Hard. That pretty much suns up this phase of the journey. 

And in other news, or best pal Ranger had his first birthday! We love our snuggle pup and I just had to share this photo! 

Salt Water

We went away last week!

To the beach

The view from our rental house

We drove 14 hours to the gulf coast, rented a house with two other families, and spent a week doing beach vacation things

Feet in the surf

We needed this time.

Dinner and a movie are better at the beach!

We needed to rest 

Both physically and spiritually.  

We slept in until our bodies woke up, we were never in a hurry, we napped, we took it easy.

And we prayed together, and read from God's word, and stared at the open water trying to wrap our brains around how huge it is compared to us, and yet how tiny it is in comparison to our God and His love for us.

We needed to relax.  

We ate good food, we read, we played cards, we laughed with our friends.

Dinner out

We needed to renew 

Renew our mission to love people and share Jesus.  To serve our God with all we have.  To not be caught up in the daily grind.  And renew our love of the outdoors, and our spirits of adventure.

Friendly tomfoolery in the sea

We needed to reconnect, 

To put down the screens, leave the tablets at home (a very happy accident) and be with each other.  Face to face.  Marriage is hard.  Marriage between two stubborn, independent, outspoken, know-it-all's is really hard.  Marriage that includes infertility and adoption is even harder.  We needed to create opportunities to reconnect.  See each other.  Hear each other.  Hold hands and rest our heads on each other's shoulders.

We needed to remember

We are so blessed.  We have much to be thankful for.

In the busyness of life, we can either forget our blessings or become so focused on them that they become burdens.

And we have to remember that beyond material things we have been given so so very much.  Redemption.  Salvation.  Grace.  Peace.  Love without bounds.  All are ours because we belong to God.

We had a great trip.  And we are so thankful for our opportunity to travel and see new places and be with our friends and enjoy our lives.

Another date night

I learned that I love otters and sea lions!

Our first night - don't you love how everything is possible at the beginning of vacation?

Beach time!! Little Miss Lexi and I are buddies

Trent, Lindsay, and Me.  Our boys gave us a girls day out! 

I love this guy.  He is my favorite.

Our vacation family.  Unintentional Matching Party!!

 

We spent our last night taking family pictures on the beach

Love

Social Worker Visit

We met with our social worker last night, as I mentioned in this post.

****

First of all:

This was our fourth visit with a social worker regarding adoption.  Each one gets a little less scary.  So know that if you are facing the process for the first time, these are people who want to see children placed in loving homes.  They're on your side.  They're an advocate for you!  Don't be intimidated.  Don't freak out.  Your house doesn't have to be perfect (we still have moving boxes sitting in the living room).  Your hair doesn't have to be perfect.  YOU do not have to be perfect.

Rant over, just wanted to put that out there.

If nothing else, maybe I'll re-read that someday when we're going through this again and remember to relax!

****

Last night was great!!

Rachel, our social worker, came in the evening and went over some paperwork, toured our home, asked and answered some questions and then told us that all we have left to do now is send in the hard copies of our profile (our agency asks for 30 copies) with another check and we will be officially-for-real-no-more-hoops "circulating"!!!

Circulating is another way of saying "on the list".

Here's how it works:

Birthmoms considering adoption contact our agency, then the agency spends time with them, counsels them,  learns about their life etc.  Then their situation will be compared with the criteria we provided and the agency will deliver our profile to those where a good match is determined.
{Our criteria is extremely open, there are not many situations we wouldn't consider.  But, for example purposes, maybe a family is uncomfortable adopting a child who is more than 4 weeks premature, their profile would not be shared with a mom who just delivered a 6 week premature baby}
Then the birthmom will review all the profiles that have been presented to her and she will make the overwhelmingly impossible choice about which family seems like the best fit.

It seems like it has taken us a lifetime to get to this point.  We started actively working toward adopting last March (although we've been talking about it for years), then walked the dark road of a failed adoption, which was followed by a few months of emotional recovery.  Then we chose an agency, waited for approval, went to our first classes, put everything on hold while we moved, and now -- we're actually approaching the finish line!

I can't wait to share the next steps with you.  I can't wait to live the next steps!
Please pray for us as we wait.  I have a feeling it will be a difficult part of this journey.

Just In Case You Were Wondering

Just in case you were wondering hat Ranger was up to these days, here are a few photos 

Practicing for Puppy Olympics

Smiling about his favorite bone

Impersonating a walrus

Exploring his new back yard!

Babysitting, rehearsal for when his brother or sister arrives!

Rockin the shades

Heading to Easter dinner with his dog-cousins. 

We love our happy little dog!!

What's your dog up to these days?

Adoption Updates

Even though our adoption (and blogging) progress halted a bit while we were putting everything we owned into boxes, loading those boxes onto a trailer, unloading those boxes into the garage at the new house and then carrying each of those boxes inside, unpacking them, finding a home for all of our things, and settling into this new space, we HAVE checked a few more things off of the unending adoption-to-do list.

Here's what has been completed since we moved:

Fire inspection at the new house

Safety audit update by the agency that holds our home study

Visit with a pediatrician

Updated financial statement

Profile finished and printed

And here's all that (I think) is left to do:

Meet with our social worker, Rachel

Send a check in to the agency

Be officially on the list and have a minor panic attack every time my phone rings


The most exciting thing about this is that our meeting with Rachel is scheduled for tomorrow night! It's like the last step before we can just send in the check and be done with all the preparation.

Would you join me in prayer?

*****

Father God,
How do I begin to thank you for your constant provision?  You have blessed us beyond what we could ever ask, and have walked beside us through every step of this process.  As we are nearing the end, I ask for peace and for patience.  I ask that we would continue to keep sight of our end goal - to glorify you in everything we do, including bringing children into our family and teaching them about your love.
I pray today for the woman who may right now this very minute be considering adoption for her unborn child.  I pray that she would have peace about her decision, that she would feel your presence as she reads profiles and weighs her options.  And I pray for her health as life grows inside her.
I also pray for the baby who will be ours.  I pray that they are healthy, not being exposed to alcohol or drugs, that they are growing and developing just as they should.  I pray that they enter into this world safely, smoothly, and without complication.
And I pray for our family as we grow from 2 to 3, that we can bond quickly with baby, that we can be diligent in teaching them about you, and that we can be aware of their unique needs.
Thank you for adoption, Lord.  Thank you that we are able to be parents, and provide a loving family for a child who needs one.  Thank you for adopting us into your family, making us coheirs with Christ, giving us an identity as your child. Thank you so much for all you are; merciful and good, loving and kind, and so much more than I can name.
Humbly I pray in your holy name,
Amen

*****

Now, I have to run.  Even though I know that our social worker wants to see us, not a perfect space, I still feel like it would be best to put away some laundry and run the vacuum :)

Stencil For The Win

The new house is coming right along!

I've completed one super fun (and painfully time consuming) project and wanted to share!  I absolutely love how it turned out!!

The layout for the main level of this house is very open; living room, eat-in kitchen, and family room all open to each other, two rooms with vaulted ceilings.  When we moved in, these three spaces were painted with FIVE different colors.  It was ridiculous.  Not only were the colors of great multitude, but they were also daaarrrrrk and dated.  And not our style.  And have I mentioned the sponge paint??

{If by some incredibly small chance the previous owners of this house ever stumble across this post.  Please know that you were very, very sweet, and the house was in great condition, and it's nothing personal.  But painting that dark green sponge paint was my priority numero uno!} 

Before, dark green sponge paint burned my retinas ~ After, nice and neutral; my retinas can rest

My first step was to cover all five different colors in the three rooms with a warm neutral tan.  It's called Faded Burlap by Valspar.  We used Valspar Signature (which is a paint/primer in one) in an eggshell finish.  I was prepared to use three coats to cover all of these dark tones.  But two good coats totally did the trick!  I was quite impressed with this paint!

All in all, I personally spent about 24 hours across four or so days painting.  Plus, on the first day, my sister, brother-in-law, and dear friend Jess came over in their painting clothes and logged hours on ladders and on their hands and knees helping out.

  You can see one of the other colors in the after picture above, it was a purple/grey/mauve type of color.  Yowza.  

My next step in making this space more personal, and in bringing some life into my tan walls, was a stencil.  Stencils have a bad reputation of looking dated, or sloppy.  But I was determined to do something that had personality, kept the space neutral, and wasn't as permanent as wallpaper.

I read great reviews about Cutting Edge Stencils and loved their Charlotte Allover pattern.  I liked how it looked like lace and was delicate, but not overly feminine.

Image from www.cuttingedgestencils.com
I did use a similar color palette, but the above would be a white wall with tan paint for the stencil, which is the opposite of my wall. 

I woke up early on a Saturday, and got started.  I told Kain that I would be finished in a few hours.  The wall I was covering is not very big and the stencil covers about 2x2 feet!  I grossly miscalculated how much time this would take.  I started at 9:00 am, stopped for about a 30 minute lunch,  stopped at 3ish to get ready for dinner out, restarted at 9:00 pm, and didn't finish until almost 1!!! I think it looks great, but I'll know next time to plan for an entire day.

The Cutting Edge website has great tutorials, and they're what I used so I will spare you step-by-step instructions and will instead just give you some pointers I picked up.  I started in the center of the wall and would move from the left of my original to the right, back and forth, back and forth, filling in on either side.  I found that this allowed the previous stencil to dry enough that the paint wasn't smudging or pulling off when I placed the stencil over it.  Also, you can't hear this enough -- use a small foam roller and way way way less paint then you think you should.  It's the key to a crisp line.  Most of the stencils required three or four coats of paint.  It would have been faster to use a heavy coat of paint, but then it would drip under the stencil and make a total mess.

I only speak with such certainty about that because I learned the hard way.  My first stencil was a disaster.  I ended up repainting it the base color and stenciling again. Fortunately, because the Charlotte is a repeating pattern, that worked out just fine.

Here's an in progress pic.  I wish I had taken more.

You can see that I held the stencil up with some painters tape - I also taped off the baseboard, trim at the top of the wall, and the corners.  I didn't use tape when I painted the Faded Burlap, but when you are using the stencil on the edges, you end up smooshing (technical term) a little brush into the corners and it gets a little messy. 

The stencil color is Falling Snow by Behr.  I had planned on using Crisp Linen by Valspar because it's the recommended trim color on the back of the Faded Burlap paint chip, but I found myself at Home Depot and just picked out a complimentary color instead.  I wanted white, not a color, to keep the wall neutral. And seriously, until you start picking out white paint you have no idea how many shades of white exist in the paint world!!

Here she is all finished!

It's so fun in person!! The truth is, it's not perfect and I love that!  There are some messy spots, and some areas where I should have used another coat of paint, but it adds to the "hand-painted charm" which is what I was hoping for!

How about you? Any projects taking up your entire Saturday??

Adoption Talk Etiquette

I found this video yesterday and haven't stopped giggling about it since.

Truth be told, I'm pretty understanding about this stuff.  People are curious, and people generally mean well.  People want to be supportive and people want to ask good questions.  Adoption is not the norm of life, so people are sometimes awkward and people have lots of misconceptions about how the process works.  

So take this for what it is, a little levity about an important issue.

Please ask your questions, we want to talk about adoption!

Please tell us our baby is beautiful and ask to hold him or her, we want to share our full arms and hearts with you.

Please don't think I take myself  or our life too seriously, I know us.  We're awkward people just like you.

<iframe src="//player.vimeo.com/video/92651492" width="500" height="281" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe> <p><a href="http://vimeo.com/92651492">IF YOU WOULDN'T SAY IT ABOUT A BOOB JOB...</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/raincitychurch">Rain City Church</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>

Boop.

Surviving This Day

March 21, 2002 was the last time I saw my dad outside of a hospital bed. 

March 21, 2013 was the last time I heard from "C" at the end of our failed adoption. 

March 21 is a day I have associated with sadness and loss. It's a day I want to spend covered up and isolated. 

But not today. 

A few weeks ago at church, my pastor (who is also my big brother which often makes his words more personal and poignant) spoke of hope. True hope. The hope that comes from giving your life to a Heavenly omniscient loving and perfect father. Hope that overwhelms, hope that renews. 

So that's what I'm choosing today. 

Hope. 

Not sadness. Not grief. Not loss. Hope. 

Hope that the pain in this world is temporary and that life with Jesus is eternal. Hope that He has a plan and no matter what it is, it's better. Hope that because of a shared love of Christ I will be reunited with my earthly dad someday. And hope that our baby, not the baby that we thought was ours, but our baby is still coming. 

We have moved into our new home (hooray!). Today I will carry boxes and buy paint and sing and rejoice that because of Jesus' love and sacrifice - I have hope. 

P.S. I'm writing this from on my phone because we don't have internet at the new house yet. Normal life should resume here soon! 

Inspected

I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago that we had gone into contract on a new house but that our home inspection revealed some issues. Nothing major; just the plumbing, HVAC, roof, gutters, chimney, kitchen counters, grading, electric panel, etc...

So basically the entire house was a disaster waiting to happen. Not to mention that the lot neighbored an apartment complex and there was a dumpster practically in the backyard. 

I had been blinded by fresh paint and new carpet, which is why home inspections are such a good idea. A few days after our inspection we terminated the contract we had on the house.  

I was deflated again.

But, God in His infinite wisdom had a wonderful plan.  Last week we went house hunting again (I'm pretty sure that these were the last of 15-20 houses that we have walked through). The search has been exhausting and emotional. 

And then....

We walked into a house and it just felt right. Newer, nicer, bigger, more open, and with an amazing backyard. We made an offer that day and we're in contact by the next night.  I waited to post about it, because I was remaining cautiously optimistic, however we had our inspection today and it went very well. 

Is the house perfect? Of course not, it's about 14 years old and things like roofs and windows and furnaces don't last forever. But they are all in good enough shape to hold out for a while longer while we budget for replacements. 

I left the house today feeling completely excited. There were no major red flags, there was nothing that made us second guess our choice, and even the home inspector said he thought this house was a better choice than the last one. 

So we will be moving toward the end of March, just in time for my birthday :)

And then, hopefully, we will be able to make quick progress on the adoption front. 

I want to mention that our agency isn't requiring us to move our anything. There's no rule against living in an apartment, or adopting before you are a home owner. The reason that we are on hold is because our home study needs updated since we have signed up with our agency and then with a move, our home study will need to be updated again. It makes the most sense to us to only do one update - less time, expense, paperwork... And while we would love to be farther along in this adventure, we know that God's timing is perfect, and that we will still have the right child at the right time.

So with that being said, let the mad packing fest begin! 

Can I say that the one plus to being in a teeny cramped apartment is that half of our things are still packed up from when we moved in here last January! The lack of closet/storage space meant we had to be choosy about what we unpacked and what we left in cardboard. I'm pretty excited about rediscovering some lost treasures!

Here's a little picture of our new home sweet home, it's from the online listing so it's not the most editorial or artsy shot, heck it's not even in focus, but at least you get the idea! 

Quote Me

*****

It's true, but fortunately, it's not the end of the story.

Breakdown

I will always try, for the most part, to keep this blog a space for positive attitudes and optimism.  That's because 1) I'm a positive and optimistic person, and 2) I want to be serious about living out loud my belief that adoption is a positive thing.

But...

There is still pain.  There is still heartache.  There is still frustration and disappointment and longing.

And that's exactly where I was yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon my emotions broke loose.  Was it because we are in this weird adoption holding zone?  Was it because we had the inspection for our new home and it didn't go as seamlessly as I had dreamed?  Was it because I'm tired and overwhelmed and needed a snack?  Was it because I try so hard to always keep it all together?  I don't know.  Probably all of the above.  

But whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I sat there yesterday crying the blues...

{I totally just made myself giggle.  Someone please tell me that you get the reference}

Kain was supportive and tried his best to talk me off of the proverbial ledge.  But I was having none of that logic stuff.  I felt like because the home inspection stirred up some concerns about this little dream house, there would be delays in moving, which would mean delays in our progress with adoption, which somehow manifested itself into feeling like we would never reach the end.  And it all just kept snowballing.

Finally I calmed down, we went to dinner at my mom's house (yum!!) and then on the way home, with a belly full of potato soup and apple crisp, I had some clarity.  

Here's where the story becomes less crazy breakdown cry face girl (that's a thing, trust me) and more - wow, God still speaks....

During my initial breakdown, I was angry.  Angry with God.  I kept thinking, "why did He give me this strong desire to have children when it feels like it is constantly just out of reach."

On the car ride home I started to pray silently and ask God if it was ok to be angry with Him.  

Meanwhile next to me my husband was talking - I was honestly not listening to what he was saying, I was praying.  Kain was talking to me about Job, he's studying Job right now and it's been a topic quite frequently.  He is loving this study.  About 10 seconds after I had asked God that question - Kain said "and then his other friend said to him, it doesn't matter if you didn't do anything wrong, you have no right to be angry with God.  Who are you compared to God?"  He kept on talking, and I am pretty sure that my jaw dropped down to my lap.  

God spoke.  Through Kain's Bible study, God spoke directly to me and my struggles.  Tell me that He's not omniscient.  

Is God intimidated by my anger with Him?  No.  Is my anger with Him righteous, justified, ok?  No.  

Who am I compared to God?  Nothing.  That's like the pot being angry with the potter, "Why am I red? I want to be green!  I don't have handles and I really like handles!! Darn you, potter!! What were you thinking??"

God doesn't owe me anything.  And my plans are just that - MY plans.  Submitting to His will, means surrendering what I think my life will look like. 

*****

Philippians 3:10 (Amplified)

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and more intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continuously transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death.

*****

I pretty much need 1440 reminders a day that my purpose is HIM.  My purpose is not buying a house, adopting a child, being a nurse, being a wife, hosting a community group, teaching Sunday School, or trying to live a righteous life.  Those are all good things, and they should be acts of worship to my Savior.  But they are not my purpose.  They are not my motivation.  They are not my salvation.

Does that make any sense?   This might be an entire post written for the sole purpose of reminding myself that my priorities were completely misplaced.  

Are you there, too?  Are you frustrated with your circumstances, feel like you're at another dead end, struggling with your purpose?  Have you evaluated if you are allowing idols to creep their way into your heart?  Seek Him.  Humble yourself and seek Him.  

When you feel defeated - seek Him.

When you feel depressed - seek Him.

When you are ready to quit fighting - seek Him.

Wherever you are right this second - stop and seek Him.

If you need prayer, friend, let me know.  Obviously, I've been there...