Dear Baby

Dear Baby is an open letter I write to my future child.  Read more about why here

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Dear Baby,

Thanksgiving was last week.  Your family gathered together and cooked and ate and laughed and played cards.  The littles played games and watched videos and read books.  It made me so happy to know that someday, you'll be surrounded with love.  You will come home to a family that is just so full of love.

I made a cheesecake for Thanksgiving dessert.  It was a disaster.  My trusty cheesecake recipe failed me.  Or maybe it was this cheap apartment oven.  Either way, it was a mess.  Uncle Todd and I sliced into the cake hoping for a creamy slice of deliciousness and were met with raw cheesecake batter instead.  I threw as much of it as I could save from running onto the floor into a baking dish and baked it again.  I called it Cheesecake Mush.  Everyone still ate it - I think they were just being polite.

We have been approved by our adoption agency!  Did you know that??  Tomorrow we will go to an orientation meeting and figure out just what we need to do next to get you home.  We are so excited, baby.  You are the topic of conversation so frequently.  We don't know you, but we are making plans for you, about you, and around you.  We can't wait to be your Mom and Dad.  We can't wait to be a family of three.  I crocheted a Christmas stocking for Ranger today.  I want to make one for you too... but I'll wait until you're here.

Baby, you will never believe this, but we have been receiving donations from our friends toward the moneys we need to bring you home.  When I say that you are going to be loved, I don't just mean by us.  You are going to come into a world that is full of people who are praying for you, waiting for you, and already keeping a vacant space in their heart just for you.   I hope that you never EVER doubt that you are loved and wanted.  Because you 100% absolutely are.

{The letter that came from an anonymous friend.  What a blessing!}

I want you to know my prayers for you today:

1) That whenever you come, Daddy and I will always be diligent about sharing Jesus with you.  I pray that you will know Him as your Savior.  I pray that you will love Him even better than we do.
2) That God will provide the remaining money - $13,080 is still needed as of today.
3) That you are healthy
4) That you would be here soon.  (My secret hope is that you are here before Mother's Day.)
5) That we bond quickly.
6) That you always feel accepted, wanted, and loved by your family.
7) That I would be the Mommy that you need even when I'm not the Mommy that you want.

There are so many other things, baby.  But that's a good list for now.  I miss you!  I LOVE YOU!!  You had better get used to hearing that, because I have a feeling I'm going to say it to you about 497 times a day.

I'll be dreaming of you!

Always,

Mommy

****

Are you missing a baby today?  Do you have a Dear Baby letter you'd like to share?  Let me know and we can link it up!

Project Thankful {4}

I'm writing about what I'm thankful for all month! Catch up here, here, and here

November 22, Friday  I'm thankful for our mattress.  Is that silly?? When we got married we used Kain's mattress which was a hand-me-down from his parents.  It was old, it was broken down, it was a pain-inducing-sleep-wrecking nightmare of a mattress.  We decided to replace it earlier this year, we saved, we waited for a sale, and then we bought a new fancy mattress.  And I love it.  I'm thankful for restful sleep and waking up without an aching back!

November 23, Saturday  I'm thankful for social media.  I'm totally guilty of over-using social media.  Facebook on date night?  Been there, tweeted that.  But I am thankful for the connection to friends and family, the articles I would never read, the music I would never discover, and the photos I would never see.  

November 24, Sunday  I'm thankful for laughter.  I can't imagine life without laughter.  I can't imagine being serious all the time.  I am thankful that God made us to find humor in things. I'm thankful for every chuckle, guffaw, snort, and moment I've spent laughing so hard that I'm not actually making any sound.

November 25, Monday  I'm thankful for education.  My mom is a school principal.  She was a teacher before that.  Education was important in my family.  School was serious business.  I'm thankful for the sacrifices that my parents made to send me (and my siblings) to private school.  I'm thankful for the sacrifices that my husband made (four jobs!!) to support our family while I was in nursing school.  I'm thankful for the opportunities that education provides.  I hope to instill an appreciation for education into the lives and hearts of our future children.

November 26, Tuesday  I'm thankful for my vices; coffee and chocolate.  I mean, is there anything more to be said?? Hot coffee.  Milky chocolate.  I think I need to go get some right now....

Ok I'm back

November 27, Wednesday   I'm thankful for an anonymous friend.  In the mail today, I received a sweet letter that accompanied a cash donation toward our adoption fund.  No return address,  no signature, no indication of where this gift originated.  But I'm thankful, so thankful, to feel that people are behind us.  It's not that the gift was money, it's that it was support.  It was prayers for our future, it was knowing that we have a community of kindness and generosity to bring our child into.

November 28, Thursday  I'm thankful for my newest niece.  Her name is Gianna Belle.  She is teeny and tiny, and on this day I got to hold her for the first time.  I smelled her week-old baby smell.  I whispered that I love her.  I refused to share her with anyone else.  I'm so thankful for babies and the hope and joy that they bring wherever they are.

November 29, Friday I'm thankful for creative outlets.  Crocheting, doodling, baking, crafting, blogging, piano playing, singing... I have creative outlets.  I'm no pro at any of them, but they give me the release that my very serious, very rigid, very left-brained job hardly ever does.  I'm thankful for the gift it is to be creative.

November 30, Saturday  I'm thankful, most of all, more than anything else, for Jesus.  He is my everything.  He is my Rock and Redeemer.  He is my Savior and my Shepherd.  He is my King, my Father, my Deepest Love.  He came to earth as a man, lived a perfect life, and died on a cross for ME (and for YOU!!).  He chose me, adopted me, made me an heir.  I believe that He is the only way to be saved.  I believe that He is the only truth.  I believe that He is the giver of life.  And I believe that I will spend eternity with Him.  He is my hope, my joy, my peace, my strength.  He is my judge, my high priest, the one who sets me straight.  He knows my future, he knows the number of hairs on my head, he knows the deepest longings of my heart.  

I could write about how much I love Jesus all day.  He is the best part about me.  He is the only thing worth living for.  And if you don't understand this, if you aren't on board - let me share with you the good news that I've found.  Not because I think I'm superior (I'm not), not because I think that I know so much more than you (I don't), but because I love you and I want to share with you that which fills me so much.

So that's it.  My 30 days of thankful.

I'm thankful for this little project, and all of the reminders of the countless ways I've been blessed.

What about you?  What topped your 30 day list?  What are you thankful for right now? 

Learn What I Learned: Quad City Moms Blog

Quad City Moms Blog is a fun site I stumbled upon.  Here what Camye has to say about herself here

As an adoptive mom (to-be) it's easy to forget that you aren't the only involved party in this process.  It's easy to get caught up in your own waiting, longing, wishing, and dreaming.  It's easy to forget about the loss and pain, the woman who will miss that baby every day.  It's easy to be totally one-sided.

Read this story.  Remember the other side.

A Birthmom's Story

Project Thankful {3}

Find out what else I'm thankful for here and here

November 15, Friday:  I'm thankful for holiday spirit.  Call me crazy (I'm sure some of you will) but I'm so excited for Christmas.  More than I have been in a long time.  I am not typically the one singing carols and decking the halls in November.  I'm usually strict about the "Day After Thanksgiving" rule.  But having a Christmas gathering on November 2 jump-started my festive mood.  I love Christmas, and I'm thankful for the opportunity and freedom to celebrate for the next few weeks!

November 16, Saturday:  I'm thankful for restful weekend mornings.  I love waking up a little later, drinking a hot cup of caffeinated goodness, catching up on some DVR, going on a brisk walk with the dog.  I'm thankful to have a break in the busyness.  I'm thankful for opportunities to be still.

November 17, Sunday:  I'm thankful for our church.  We love the families we serve and the families we serve alongside.  We are so blessed to be part of a church that loves Jesus, loves the Bible, loves people, loves growth and change, loves accountability and responsibility, loves grace, loves forgiveness, loves unity.  We are not a perfect church, and we don't pretend to be, but no one would doubt that we are full of love.

November 18, Monday:  I'm thankful for great mentors at work.  I'm a relatively new nurse and I still spend a majority of each day questioning everything I think I know.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by seasoned, knowledgeable, and kind nurses who have walked where I am walking and are happy to offer advice, support, and some extra muscle. I have much to learn, and I'm happy to learn from them.

November 19, Tuesday:  I'm thankful to have received a welcome packet from our adoption agency today.  I'm thankful that we are approved.  I'm thankful that we can move forward.  I'm thankful that we are on a path heading toward bringing a baby home.  I'm just so thankful today.  So thankful that our dream of being parents is becoming more and more real.

November 20, Wednesday:  I'm thankful for my husband.  On this day in 2009, Kain got down on one knee and asked me to let him take care of me for the rest of my life.  We were naive about the challenges of marriage, about how hard it can be to offer unconditional unending love to an imperfect person.  We still get it wrong as much as we get it right.  But I'm thankful for him and his warm heart.  I'm thankful for his intelligence, his generosity, his sense of humor, his amazing coffee-making skills, and his willingness to stick by me when things aren't pretty.  Saying yes to this guy was definitely the right decision.

November 21, Thursday:   I'm thankful for the unbelievable outpouring of support we have received since announcing our approval on Tuesday.  We have been overwhelmed with the love of our family, our friends, and our friend's friends.  I can't say thank you enough for how encouraging it is to know that people are behind us, that people are excited for us, that people think what we're doing is good.  So thank you!! Thank *you* for reading this, and for thinking of us, and for being a part of this story.  I'm thankful for you!

What are you thankful for these days?  I'd love to hear about it!

APPROVED!!

Last week we sent off our application and a small application fee to our adoption agency.

It was so exciting to feel like we were taking a concrete step forward.  It felt like progress.

And then ... Yesterday ...

We got this!!!

We have been accepted by our agency.  Approved to adopt.

Such a surreal moment, so encouraging and totally motivating.

And terrifying.

We need  an initial installment of $3500 by December (other fees will be due later in the process) to attend the orientation meeting and be part of the December 5 start group.

Otherwise we have to wait until March 11.  

(Our agency accepts new applications four times a year, read more about that here)

We don't want to wait.

It seems overwhelming.  And it seems impossible.

Fortunately I know that we serve a God who is bigger than fees.  Bigger than my own doubts and insecurities.

So will you join me in praying that He would provide the money?   We believe that He can, we trust that He will.  And we know that on the other side, when people ask how we overcame this seemingly insurmountable feat we will have an answer - our God provides.

Thanks for walking with us through this process; I'm so thrilled to share this special day with you!

BusyBusyBusy

Here is a (mostly complete) list of the things we have done in the last 5 days

Submitted our application to our adoption agency

Heard back that we should expect our "Welcome Packet" either today or tomorrow

{Eeeee!!!!!}

Contacted a bank to apply for a mortgage so we can buy a permanent and more baby-friendly family home

Spent hours preparing a profit-loss statement for Kain's business (since we don't have a 2013 tax return yet) to submit along with tax returns, W-2's, and pay stubs for aforementioned mortgage

Had a (second) family Christmas/reunion/surprise 60th anniversary party with Kain's family

Went to a baby shower for a dear friend 

(This one was just me, no boys allowed!!)

Started working with the students in our church on a Christmas program

Met with my family for some family planning 

(uh, not birth control - more like "What should we do about this?" "What's our plan for that?" )

Started our Christmas shopping

Went out to lunch with our friends and their sweet baby girl

Watched a cheesy Hallmark Channel Christmas movie

Sold Kain's car

Drove approximately 375 miles

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Here are the things we have NOT done in the last 5 days:

Cleaned the house

Put away any laundry

Cooked a single meal

Stared lovingly into each other's eyes

Written any blog posts

I guess what I'm trying to say is -- I'm trying to keep up with everything, and just haven't had time this week to sit and think and write.  Especially since I'm living off fast food and granola bars.

Busyness is a curse of this life, and trying to do/have/see/be it all.  

I pretty much hate it.

I'll be back with something more relevant soon.  Till then -- what's keeping you busy these days??

Dear Baby

Catch up on what Dear Baby is all about here

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Dear Baby,

It snowed this week!!  Will you love snow?  I loved to play in the snow when I was little.  I can remember your grandma building snowmen with me, and making maple snow.  I hope we make sweet snow memories like that.

We filled out the application for our adoption agency this week.  One step closer to being with you!  

We're also looking for a new home, one with a little more space for you and all of your stuff.  It's awesome to think that we are looking for the home where we will bring home our first baby.  It makes the process so special.  As I look at these houses I picture you.  I see you coming home, having tummy time, learning to walk, having birthdays, playing with Ranger.  I can't wait!! 

I'm praying for and about you constantly.  Just waiting and waiting and waiting.  It's so hard to not know when we'll be together.  It's so hard to wait.  But, there's no other way.  So wait I will.

I bought you a little something this week too.  You can't have it today, but someday it will be yours.  Can't wait.  Can't wait can't wait.

Do you know that I love you already?  Know it.  It's so true.  I am so crazy about you.

Someday soon, sweet babe you will be here.  And I will tell you every day that I love you and am glad that I'm your mom.  I will tell you that you are the answer to my prayers, a dream come true.  When you're here I'll hold you as much as you'll let me.  I'll do everything I can to make you feel safe and loved and wanted.  Because you are, baby.  You are.

Till we meet face to face....

Always yours,

Mommy

*****

Have your own Dear Baby letter you'd like to share?  Let me know, we'll link it up.

Project Thankful {2}

Catch up on week one here

November 8, Friday:  I'm thankful for God's amazing grace.  I unashamedly claim to be a Christian.  As such, I believe that we are all fallen sinners, condemned to an eternity of suffering.  By grace, God sent His son, Jesus, to earth to live a sinless life and die a bloody death on a cross as the perfect sacrifice, becoming the atonement for our sins.  Through belief in Him as Savior, we can be saved and look forward to an eternity in Heaven with Him.
My relationship with Christ is the most important part of my life.  It is the foundation of my identity.  It is my hope, my peace, my rest.  I fall short of my calling to follow Him every day.  Every day I choose to live for myself instead of for God.  But He calls me back each and every time.  He extends His amazing grace time after time.  I would be hopeless without grace and I am absolutely beyond thankful for it's place in my life.

November 9, Saturday:  I'm thankful for my work friends.  RN's share a special bond.  We have to always have each other's backs.  We have to have an ear ready for calls for help or quick vent sessions.  We have to be ready and willing to get elbow deep in the most disgusting things you can imagine for each other.  We have to be good cooks, because without potluck Saturdays we would have nothing to fuel our exhausted bodies.  My coworkers are wonderful and I am thankful for each of them.

November 10, Sunday:  I am thankful for veterans.  Tomorrow is Veteran's Day.  I can't even imagine the life that these people lead.  I'm so grateful for their sacrifices and their families who support them every step of the way.  To my friends and family who are veterans - a million thanks.

November 11, Monday:  I'm thankful for my mom.  I unexpectedly ended up in her office today (she's a school principal - ending up in her office is some kid's worst nightmare!!) and she was so happy to see me.  It made me feel important.  In typical mom-fashion, she pretty much immediately started feeding me and asking me important questions like "where did you get those shoes?".  She's always worked hard, she's full of one-liners and wit, she's a great cook, and she loves me.  What more could I ask for?

November 12, Tuesday:  I'm thankful for my nieces and nephews.  All 12 of them!! They range in age from 3 to 20 and are each completely unique and absolutely dear.  Three nieces, 9 nephews.  12 personalities.  20 years of rocking babies and funny stories and hugs and kisses and adorable outfits.  I love these kids.  I cannot wait to see all the different directions their lives take them.  And I'm so grateful that my children will have such wonderful, generous, smart, funny, kind cousins.

November 13, Wednesday:  I'm thankful for my Ranger dog.  He's so cute and sweet and furry.  I never wanted a dog.  I was bitten on the face by a dog when I was 10.  I never thought I would let a dog back into my life, especially not into my house!  But I love my husband and couldn't deprive his dog-loving self any more.  For his birthday this summer I completely surprised him with a trip to a breeder's home to pick out his very own puppy.  And so, we became a family with a dog.  Today is Ranger's five month birthday :) I'm thankful for him and the laughter and joy he brings to our little home.

{Riding in the car on the way to family Christmas on 11/2.  Ranger LOVES the car}

November 14, Thursday:  I'm thankful for our cozy home.  I complain about our little apartment a lot.  It's small and doesn't always function the way I wish it did.  But it's safe, and warm, and we've lived lots of life here.  I'm thankful for the blessing it is to have a home; something that not everyone can say they have.  I need to quit whining and be grateful.  So I am.

How about you?  What's topping your thankful list today?

Practice Makes Perfect ... Right??

Had a little child rearing practice this morning.

My favorite kind.

I spent a few hours wrangling two of my nephews. 

Asher and Jones.

6 and 3. 

Different and the same.

Hilarious and smart and sassy and awesome.

I love them!

We talked about snow, tried on Halloween costumes, petted the dog, made rubber band bracelets, and had a wonderful little visit while their mom and dad were at breakfast.

Did I mention I love them?

{All photos were blatantly stolen from my brother and sister-in-law's Facebook albums} 

Learn What I Learned: FaithIt

FaithIt is an online community sharing inspiring and encouraging content on the internet.  Read their story here

A few days ago, a video from FaithIt popped up on my Facebook feed.  The title was intriguing and I had a few minutes to spare so I settled in and clicked play.  Minutes later I was richly encouraged and in desperate need of a tissue. 

{I cry.  I'm a crier}

Be inspired, friends.  Be challenged.  Find hope.  This couple tells a touching story of how their lives were rocked by adoption.  

I was especially moved by the theme in their story that there is hope (and success) after a failed adoption.  Living through that part can be rough.

Here's the video:

This Couple Was Ruined

Tell me what you think!

Dear Baby...

See what Dear Baby is all about here

*****

Dear Baby,

Good morning sweet one!  I wish I knew what you were doing today.  Are you growing in a belly somewhere?  Are you being loved on by a foster family?  Are you genetic material waiting to create life? 

{uh -- I'll explain that one to you later.  Much later.}

Last night Aunt Megan and I were at a store and I found myself (as usual) in the baby section,  picking out clothes that I would buy for you if you were here.  I got a little teary, baby, while I was looking through those teeny tiny clothes.  My heart is longing for you to be here.  I am weary in the waiting.  I've dreamed of you for so long and it some days it feels like you will never be a reality.  

I want you to know, though, that I won't stop working.  And fighting.  And moving forward.  FOR YOU.  Ever.  And when you are here, I will still fight for you.  I will defend you.  I will protect you.  I will help you grow.  I will teach you and feed you and love you every minute of every day.  You are so wanted, baby.  You are already so loved.

Today I'm calling our agency to set up a meeting and take another step forward.  I can feel the momentum building, I can feel you getting closer.  And I'm so grateful.

Hopefully it's not too much longer.

Till then, my darling babe, rest and grow.

Always,

Mommy

*****

Have your own Dear Baby letter you'd like to share?  Let me know and we can start a Linky Party.

Project Thankful {1}

30 Days of Thankfulness has taken over my Facebook feed.  I love it! 30 days of people taking a moment to remember to be grateful.  I thought it would be nice to put something similar on this blog.  

My life is richly blessed.  We're not rolling in piles of cash, we haven't achieved every dream, we still long deeply for things we don't have.

But we are blessed.

We are loved by the Creator of the world, the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace. 

We have each other, for better or worse.

We have a roof over our heads and food in our pantry.  We have a pantry!

We are richly blessed.

That being said:

November 1, Friday: I'm thankful for my job.  Stressful, exhausting, frustrating.  Yet, an opportunity to serve people in their hour of vulnerability.  An opportunity to actually make a positive change in people's lives.  An opportunity to provide for my family.

{note to self: remember this when you are having a rough day}

November 2, Saturday:  I'm thankful Kain's sweet family.  We celebrated our first Christmas of 2013 on this day.  Gathering together before Kain's grandparents head to Florida for the winter (sunshine envy, hello!!).  Aunts, uncles, cousins, four generations in one house.  With three dogs.  And five kinds of dessert.  It was a grand day!

November 3, Sunday:  I'm thankful for my grandma.  She passed away on November 3 in 1999.  She was such a fabulous grandma.  She lived with my family for 20 years, helping my parents cook, clean, and care for their four children.  I wish I had learned more from her, made more of our time together.  I'm thankful for the memories, and the recipes, and the genetic connection.  Love you grandma.  And miss you madly.

November 4, Monday:  I'm thankful for surprise days off.  I was supposed to work this day, but got the magical call at 5:00 am that due to low census on my floor, I was being called off.  I used the time to do all kinds of fabulous things I never have time for on my scheduled days off.  Like putting away the laundry.

November 5, Tuesday:  I'm thankful for my quiet drive home.  We live about 40 minutes away from the hospital.  My 40 minutes in the evening gives me the chance to disentangle my mind from the hectic flurry of activity that was my last 12.5 hours.  Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I revel in the silence.  Sometimes I talk to Kain on the phone, sometimes I revel in the silence.  Sometimes I replay the events of the day over and over, sometimes I just revel in the silence.  

November 6, Wednesday:  I'm thankful for my Community Group.  I look forward to gathering with my friends every week, sharing a good meal, laughing and crying together.  We support each other, challenge each other, lift each other up in prayer.  We talk throughout the week, we walk through each other's highs and lows, we live life together.  We babysit for each other, hang out on the weekends, and call each other out when we need it.  I'm so thankful for these souls that reach into my life and allow me to reach into theirs. (And allow me to snuggle their sweet babies!!)

November 7, Thursday:  I'm thankful for my sisters.  Nancy, my sister by blood, and Megan, my sister by marriage.  They are so wonderful.  They are my shoulder's to cry on, the absorbers of my vent sessions, and the best girls to laugh-until-you-can't-breathe with.   They're some of my biggest cheerleaders and are stuck being my best friends for life.  I love you, girls.  

So that's it for this first week.  

What are you thankful for?? I'd love to hear all about it

Choosing an Agency

I've been thinking about adoption agencies for years.  

I've sought input from friends.

Googled my eyeballs out.

And prayed for wisdom.

Here is a list of 5 things that Kain and I considered while choosing an agency to walk with us through the biggest adventure of our lives.  There are other factors.  So many others.  But here are just a few that were important to us. 

Full Service

Adoption is complex.  Home studies, court dates, education, counselling, escrow accounts.... Eek!! We recommend choosing an agency that can handle it all.  The last thing you will need during this already stressful time is trying to manage multiple agencies, contacts, fee schedules, etc.  

Open or Confidential Adoptions

Ok here's the thing.  There are a lot of misnomers about what open adoption means and what closed adoption means.  Before you announce what you want for your family, make sure you do some research.  And we would suggest selecting an agency that leaves that decision up to you.  We seriously considered using a different agency until we found out that they insisted on open adoptions.  Not only does that make us feel like we don't get a say in our future, but it also isolates birth mothers who may not want an open adoption.  

As for where we stand on this issue, the truth is - we're flexible.  We want to make that choice when we are matched with a birth mother and can discuss with her what will work out for both of our families. 

Agency Fees

We all know that adoption is expensive.  

{Please don't let that be a barrier for you -- here's a fabulous resource for overcoming the financial burden.}  Be diligent in understanding your agency's fees.  What all is included, what is not?  When are fees due?  Is your agency non-profit?  Overall fees being lower ($3000 lower than our second choice) was a big factor for us in making a final decision.  We definitely want to be responsible with our resources.  

Number of Placements/Number of Waiting Families

This one is so important.  It's not a guarantee of how long you will be waiting, but if your agency places 20 babies a year and has 75 waiting families -- well, you do the math.  Our agency does 50-60 placements a year, and has 50-60 waiting families.  They also accept new families only four times a year so that families are at different stages in the process all year long. 

Proximity to your home

This may or not be important to you., but to us it made sense to choose an agency only a few miles down the highway from our home.  We seriously considered another agency that is located 90 miles away.  Maybe that will be an issue and maybe it won't, but if (for example) your agency requires education hours to be spent at their office it's at least something to consider.

*****

So there you have it, our (non-exclusive) list of 5 important things to consider when selecting your agency.  

Think I've left something important off of the list?  Be sure to let me know!!

Learn What I Learned: Julie Gumm

Julie Gumm is amazing.  She doesn't know me, and likely has no clue I'm saying that about her, but it's true.  She is.  

She has a great adoption story.  You can read about it here.

I met Julie at the Together for Adoption Conference last month.  Kain and I went to her breakout session based on her book, Adopt Without Debt - which you 100% should read if you are even maybe-potentially-sort-of-kind-of considering adoption.  In fact, the electronic version is on sale today!! Buy it! You need it!! 

November is National Adoption Month.  What a blessing to celebrate something so dear to so many hearts.  

In honor of National Adoption Month, Julie is blogging every day about something she has has learned about adoption.

Today's post has the subtitle "People Will Think You're Crazy"

If you are just starting in your adoption journey, trust me -as you share your desire to adopt you'll get a range of reactions.  Some great, some heartless, some flat out ridiculous.  Read Julie's post on her blog today and learn what I learned.  She makes a great point about being gracious to other people's reactions.  

On the topic of crazy reactions, here's one of my craziest:

A few months ago I was sharing at work with a coworker about the stress of adoption, specifically the financial burden.  A doctor was sitting close by and quietly listening to our conversation.  He interjected to ask if adoption was for real - if people actually parented other people's children.  He was totally serious.  I bit my tongue to stop from asking "Do you live under a rock??"  and instead took the opportunity to explain the beauty of adoption to him.  Hopefully his (apparent) first exposure to the concept of adoption was shaped in a positive way.  

So tell me, friend -- what's the craziest reaction (positive or negative) that you've gotten regarding adoption? 

Dear Baby...

When I first met "C" and thought that we were heading toward parenthood (read about that story here) I started a journal.  Every entry was a letter to our baby.  After that adoption fell through, I continued writing these letters.  We don't know who our baby is yet, but someday I want to share with him or her all of their story.  Their story started with "C" and that baby we never knew.  That is what gave us the kick-start we needed to get our adoption ball rolling.

So I thought I would start a weekly Dear Baby post.  A letter to my child, whoever and wherever he or she may be.  An honest look at my heart, and a record for them of how I'm feeling right now today.  

*****

Dear Baby,

Hi.  I miss you.  I don't even know you, but I miss you so much.  I'm thinking of you and praying for you every day.  I daydream about what you will look like and how you will enter our lives.  On this past Sunday, your dad and I sat in church with your cousins Sophie, Henry, and Asher, and a friend of theirs, Mia.  Daddy, me, and four little faces.  It was a glimpse of what could be.  It was renewed hope and motivation. 

I pray that you'll be here with us someday soon.  I pray that you'll know love, and joy, and comfort.  I pray that you will know how much we wanted you.  I hope you never feel unwanted.  We want you.  We long for you.  We will work hard to get you here.  We will fight for you. 

Wherever you are, baby, I love you.  You already have a place in my heart.  You already have an identity as my child, even if you aren't here yet.  I can't wait to hold you, kiss your baby cheeks, and whisper in your ear that I love every morsel of you.  I can't wait to introduce you to your family.  I can't wait to cuddle up as a family on Saturday mornings and revel in the peace of being together.  I can't wait to read you stories and tell you about Jesus.  I can't wait to hear you laugh.  

You are so special, baby.  You are ever so special.

Always,

Mommy

*****

Have your own Dear Baby letter you'd like to share?  Let me know and we can start a Linky Party.

Love and Loss {Part Four}

This four-part series on our failed adoption begins here

...

The next few weeks were very hard.  Life had to go on, but I was changed.  I felt so defeated - like the reality of ever being a mom had been pushed back even further.  Again.  I was mad at myself for being naive and optimistic.  I was mad at "C" for changing her mind.  I was mad at God for taking me to a place I had never wanted to go.  I was just mad.  

I stayed home a lot.  I couldn't be around people.  People might be happy, and I wanted nothing to do with happy.  People might have children, and I definitely wanted nothing to do with children.  Kain and I fought constantly.  In my (and his, this was devastating to him too) state of depression we lashed out at one another.  I think that deep inside, we knew we were our own safe place.  Our marriage, built with a foundation on Jesus, could handle the shrapnel.  We could be harsh and we would survive.

I stopped praying.  Stopped cooking dinner.  Stopped cleaning the house.  Stopped caring about much of anything at all.  I packed up the baby clothes we had brought home.  I packed up the bottles.  I put his ultrasound pictures away in a box.  I tried everything to get him out of my mind.  But he was always there.  He's still there.  I still think about him and what he would be doing now.  The week of his due date was especially hard.  I kept thinking to myself, "I'm supposed to be at home right now rocking my new baby, instead here I am.  Hopeless"  

In the first few days, I found an article on failed adoption.  I read it about 100 times.  {Read it here}  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  This failed adoption wasn't our fault.  And "C" wasn't a malicious villain either.  She didn't handle the situation like I would have chosen, but I have to assume that she did the best with the resources she had.  I have to trust that we met "C" and her baby at that time for some reason.  I have to be confident that our omniscient God walked with us through this hard time to prepare us, or to teach us, or demonstrate his faithfulness.  

*****

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

*****

Today I am doing well.  I still feel sad when I think about our baby boy, who wasn't really ours.  I still deeply long to see his face, to know he is healthy and loved.  But I also know that I owe it to our future children to move forward.  I can't let a failed adoption derail our plans forever.  I can't stay stuck in the mire and the pain.  Eventually Kain and I had to pick ourselves up, give each other a big hug and decide that it was time to keep moving. 

We finished our adoption paperwork, had our second meeting with our social worker, and should receive our final approved home study any day now!  We have selected an adoption agency and are preparing our  home, hearts, and finances for completing a domestic newborn adoption sometime soon.  

We recognize that on the road to growing our family, this may happen again.  That reality is hard to swallow, but it's a fact that we have to accept.   Adoptions fall through.  It's painful and devastating, but it's part of the story.  Our story so far has been rocky.  And although we made it through this tough chapter, our story doesn't yet have a happy ending.  One thing that we learned at the Together for Adoption Conference this year is that in the end, adoption makes everything sad become untrue.  Adoption has already and will continue to change our story.  Adoption will change our child's story.  I'm looking forward to sharing all of that with you.

My friend, if you are in a place anything like we were; a failed adoption, infertility, miscarriage, longing for a child that you'll never get to know -- I'm praying for you.  I know that there aren't words that take away the ache.  There aren't words that fill the gaping hole.  But there is hope.  Hope in a Savior who makes all things new (Revelation 21:5), hope in a peace from Him that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7), and a hope that he knows your heart (Matthew 7:7, Psalm 139).  

Choose Hope.

Love and Loss {Part Three}

Read our story of Love and Loss from the beginning here

....

"C" and I continued to talk almost every day, she sent me long messages about how she knew that she had made the right choice in selecting us to parent her child, that we came into her life at the exact right moment when she was hopeless and saw no way out.  She gave me parenting advice.  She told me she was reading books to her belly so that the baby would like to read.  She constantly referred to us as her answers to prayer.

A few weeks later, "C" and I went to the doctor's again.  It was time for her second ultrasound.  She let me sit in the dark room with her while the technician poured clear gel on her swollen belly and used that magic wand to show us pictures of the sweet baby growing inside her.  He was perfect.  He was growing just right, developing exactly like he should.  

"C" told the technician of our chance meeting in the waiting room.  She introduced me to everyone at the office as "the baby's mom."  I was floating, a perma-smile plastered across my face.  "C" didn't hesitate to hand me the ultrasound pictures, telling me that they were mine, because he was mine.  I met her Obstetrician, he seemed confused at first but was very supportive once we explained our situation.  

The doctor let me use the Doppler to find baby's heartbeat.  I stepped into the hallway to give "C" some privacy during her exam.  As she was getting dressed, the doctor came out and gave me an update - that everything looked great! Baby was due in early July and things were progressing just as they should.  Because "C" had started her prenatal care a little late, they would monitor her closely but he didn't anticipate any complications.  

Neither did I.

On a Wednesday morning I sent "C" a text to check on her.  This was totally normal, we talked almost every day.  I asked her how she was doing.  Her response was, 

"Not good.  Me and my kids got kicked out of our house and my phone is getting turned off.  We have to find somewhere to go now" 

That was the last time I ever heard from "C".  I sent her message after message asking what she meant, if she was safe, if there was anything I could do.  I wanted to tell her that if she called her adoption attorney, she had access to moneys from us for living expenses.  I wanted to tell her that if nothing else, she and her kids could come over and camp in our living room until she sorted everything out.  I wanted to tell her to please tell the baby I loved him.  I wanted to hear from her.

The next morning was our home study.  I got through the meeting with the thought that maybe her phone had in fact gotten turned off and she would text me again once she had gotten a replacement.  I tried to ignore the nagging gnawing feeling in my belly that said something had gone awry.  

We finished our home study meeting without incident.  Our social worker was sweet and energetic.  She asked us questions, toured our home, and gave us a tree's worth of paperwork to work on.  We would meet again in a few weeks for a second meeting and finalization would happen after that.  Home study, check.

That night I got a message from someone claiming to be "C's" cousin . She told me that "C" had moved to West Virginia to live with her grandma, that she had decided to keep her baby and start a new life with her other kids.  I asked if I could call her? Text her? Contact her in any way?  No.  Grandma's house had no phone and there was no cell service there.  I was cut off.  

It took a few days for it all to settle in.  Our baby was gone and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.  I wept, I threw things, I screamed at God.  I slid into depression, deep and dark and endless.  All I wanted was him.  All I wanted was to see his sweet face.  I carried a picture of him with me, taking it out in private moments to study his features again.  

I had been so sure, I had been so confident.  I had been so foolish.

...

Love and Loss {Part Two}

Missed Part One? Catch up here

...

I couldn't believe what just happened.  Had I dreamed this? Had I actually just approached a perfect stranger and offered to adopt their unborn child? Am I crazy? Am I brave? Will I ever see her again?  Will she have me arrested?  Committed?  What is Kain going to say? About 487,000 thoughts raced through my head.

Waiting for the doctor, I sent Kain a text that quickly summed up what had just happened and told him that I was shaking and my heart was racing (perfect for getting your blood pressure checked, right??).  We sent each other a few texts and then I settled in for my appointment.  All that was running through my head was "is this for real? Is this for real?"

While I was getting blood drawn after my appointment I received a text message from the woman in the lobby (let's call her "C").  It said, "Can I call you in like an hour so I can tell you my story and we can go from there?"  I almost died right there in the lab.  I got in the car to head home and just started to pray.  I realized that it was the first time I had stopped to talk to Jesus about what had happened in the last hour.  Humbled, I paused before driving just to apologize for not having Him at the forefront of my mind when my life started to change.  The drive home was spent talking to my Savior.  I thanked him, praised him, expressed my fears, pleaded my desires, and ultimately told him that I wanted to live inside of his will.

That afternoon, "C" called me.  We spoke for maybe 20 minutes.  She told me about her life, her two children, her divorce, her wild lifestyle after her divorce, and her completely unplanned pregnancy.  She told me that she had been on birth control and had only found out that day that she was pregnant, having a baby boy, that she was about five months along, and that my note was an answer to her prayers because she knew that she couldn't take care of a baby right now. She asked if I could meet her at another doctor's appointment the next week so we could talk more in person.  She asked a little about our life and why we were adopting.  We ended our conversation with the promise to speak again soon.  I melted into the couch, overwhelmed by the day.  Kain and I sat in silence for a while.

A few days after "C" and I met, I contacted an adoption attorney to gain some guidance and wisdom.  She was wonderful to work with.  She, herself an adoptive mother, celebrated with me on the phone, saying that our story gave her chills.  She pointed me in the direction of a social worker to get our home study started and told me that she would represent us and would find an attorney for "C". I had a plan.  I felt confident and excited.  Everything was falling into place.

I met "C" at the doctor's office for her second appointment.  When I first got there, she hugged me and gave me the baby's first ultrasound pictures.  I was immediately in love with him.  His perfect profile melted my heart.  I traced the shape of his face with my finger over and over, dreaming of what it would be like to stroke that round soft cheek in real life soon. "C" spoke surely and matter-of-factly.  She knew that adoption was the right choice and she didn't want anyone but me (and maybe Kain) in the delivery room.  It was surreal.  It was perfect.  It was overwhelming.

We spent the next several weeks over the moon.  We talked baby names and nursery themes.  We heard from "C" almost every day.  She would text me, send videos of her baby belly rolling around, call to chat here and there.  She referred to him as our baby, not hers, and always called me his mother.  We scheduled another doctor's appointment when she would have a second ultrasound.  We were falling deep and hard for this baby.  We loved him already, in an inexpiable way.

Slowly, we told our family and friends.  Everyone was amazingly supportive.  It was a dream.  When we told our community group, our closest friends sat in our living room and wept in joy with us.  They lifted us up in prayer, they were as supportive as we could hope. Our families reactions were equally wonderful.  No one had anything but encouragement, optimism, and love to offer us.  We soaked up every moment.

Kain and I had a discussion about being excited.  We knew that we had two choices.  We could either: 1) allow ourselves to fall in love with this baby, be excited, tell everyone, and risk the heartbreak if anything would change.  Or 2) be guarded, optimistic, but guarded.  Ultimately, we decided that we would go with option 1 and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and experience all that this situation had to offer.

At the recommendation of our attorney, we quickly contacted a social worker and scheduled our first home study visit.  We knew that things needed to move quickly, we didn't want to wait around to get the process in order, we didn't want to be scrambling at the last minute.

Life was bliss.  We had a baby on the way, and an unbelievable story about his entrance into our lives.  It was just absolutely above and beyond what we could have imagined.

....

Love and Loss {Part One}

At the beginning of 2013, Kain and I challenged ourselves to "get serious" about adoption.  We were ready to be parents.  We knew that adoption was our plan.  We acknowledged that usually, adoptions don't complete themselves.  It was decided that before my 30th birthday (in March) we would complete the application to the agency we had chosen and start moving toward expanding our family.

*****

There is a certain doctor's office that most women visit just once a year. I was there. For that appointment. And I was late. I hate being late. Finding a doctor who will take me on as a patient has been difficult because my condition is very rare; an estimated only 2-5 out of 200,000 births. My current doctor is about 50 miles away from home. Being late is sometimes unavoidable, especially when the highway is under construction. 

In my flustered state, I rushed through the doors and went immediately to the reception desk.  I honestly didn't even see her standing there in front of a row of windows.  It was while I was digging through my purse for my insurance card that I first heard her talking. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop.  That's rude, of course.  But, other than the receptionist, she and I were the only people in the silent room.  Even as I tried not to listen, it was impossible not to hear.

I heard her say something about "five months" and "had no idea." I heard her say that "it wouldn't be fair to her other kids" and that it was "so crazy to be able to see a face already." My heart stopped when I heard her say, "I'm not going to kill it, I just want to find it a family that can love it and take care of it."

I was only getting one side of this conversation, and I had walked into the middle of that as it was. But I knew. I knew she had just found out she was pregnant and she was looking for an adoptive family for her baby. And I couldn't help myself. 

I dug through my purse and found a piece of paper, I borrowed a pen from the receptionist who was oblivious to what was happening as she updated my personal information and added my new insurance to my file. I was shaking so badly that I had to start over, but I managed to scribble out

"My husband and I are hoping to adopt. You should call me. Seriously. 

Kate" 

I wrote my phone number on the paper and took a deep breath. Then I turned around and handed it to her just as the receptionist told me to head back to the exam room. I watched her read the note and she looked up at me and said "Thank you. Thank you very much." I smiled, nodded my head and walked through the door to my appointment. 

.....

Learn What I Learned: MercyFound Ministries

"Learn What I Learned" is an idea I've been swirling around.  I love reading blogs. And I love sharing what I read with anyone who will listen!  So, what if when I come across something I think you'd like to know, I just give you the link instead of trying to recreate the original words or ideas?  You get the benefit of discovering new authors, blogs, and resources.  I get to keep reading other blogs, learning new perspectives, and investing in new stories.  The linked blogs gain new audiences and encouragement.  

Win-win-win.  Trifecta!! :)

**** 

A few weeks ago, Kain and I were blessed to attend the Together for Adoption 2013 conference in Louisville, Kentucky. It was a rich time for us. Together we lifted our hands in worship, dug into the Word and it's lessons about adoption, and learned of resources for fundraising, support, and friendship. 

During the conference, I discovered MercyFound Ministries. Here's some info about them from the Together For Adoption website:

MercyFound Ministries was founded by three adoptive mamas who connected through each other’s blogs. From their experience, these ladies realized the potential for blogs to be so much more than just a place to share pictures and updates with family. Through connecting and networking with other adoptive moms in all stages of the adoption journey, these ladies found ways to use blogs and online networking as a means to minister to adoptive families and inspire others toward orphan care. This session will discuss using your words to encourage, support and minister to adoptive families as well as ways in which adoption ministry can be done right where you are.

And here is what they have to say about themselves! Love the action shot at the bottom.

We went to their breakout session about blogging your adoption story.  That half hour was the pat on the back I needed to start this blog.  Stephanie and Melissa were super entertaining and they have beautiful stories to boot!

I read a great post on MercyFound's blog today.  It's about questions. Although I'm certainly no expert, I have to assume that questions are a common theme in most family's adoption stories.  Even though we have only been actively going through this process for a few months, I already know that some questions are great, and some are uncomfortable and hard to answer.  Learn what I learned here

Thanks friends!

Come back next week to read about how our adoption process got kick-started a few months ago!

Breaking the News

Kain and I met in 2007. I say it was a blind date, he says that lunch at Wendy's with my brother and nephew sitting with us at the table doesn't count as a date. Regardless, we both agree that it wasn't a love connection. We didn't see each other again for over a year, and it took a few months after that for us to really begin to warm up to one another. 

We had so many reasons not to date each other. We were resistant even to the idea! Fortunately for us, we were surrounded by friends and family who knew us better than we knew ourselves. Fortunately God is bigger and smarter than our own concepts of what we want and need. 

After months of persuasion and pressure from our friends we went on a real date. It was while Kain drove me home from our dinner and shared with me his testimony and desire to be a godly husband and father someday that I knew. I knew that I had just been on my last first date. I knew that night that someday I would be his wife.

{Summer 2009}

*****

During my dating days, I felt that the best way to handle knowing about my infertility was to be honest about it. I felt like if a relationship was going to have any chance of success, all involved parties needed to have all the facts. I can say that not being able to "have my own kids" was an issue for some guys and since it was an unavoidable part of my reality, those relationships did not progress. 

 I remember that it was a Sunday afternoon. Kain and I were at my brother's house having lunch with his family. My sister-in-law asked me in private if I had told Kain yet about my medical background. I said to her, "I will, but I just want to make sure that he's serious about us moving forward" It was maybe an hour later that my sweet guy told me that he planned on marrying me one day. I was overjoyed to know that we were on the same page, but terrified that he would change his mind once he knew the truth. 

After I spilled my guts, Kain was very supportive. I told him that if life were a buffet, I wouldn't put infertility on my plate and I didn't suppose he would either. I told him to take his time and think about it, because it wasn't something we could change. I told him that he had a free pass to walk away with no hard feelings, that I would be crushed but I would understand. 

We parted that evening with Kain saying that he had a lot to consider and we would talk the next day. I was sure that he would run. Who would pick this? Who would choose paperwork and home studies over morning sickness and epidurals? To me, infertility was the end of hope, the end of promise, the end of dreams. To me, it would be worth walking away. 

The part of this story that I love the most is what happened next. Kain didn't run, but he didn't  make light of a life altering decision either. He prayed about it, sought counsel from a wise friend, and talked openly with me before making his choice. Then he sat me down and told me the most heartwarming thing I've ever heard. 

"Katie, I love you and I want you to be my wife and the mother of my children; no matter where they come from. "

{Swoon}

He chose me. And everything messy that choosing me entailed. He is my best friend and my favorite guy. I'm grateful every day that he decided to stay. I wouldn't want to travel this journey through life and adoption with anyone else by my side. 

{Summer 2013}

Saying Goodbye to my Buddy

I know that this post will not be for everyone, but I needed to put my thoughts on virtual paper. Just a few days ago I posted about our family, including our two pets. Today, our family has gone from two pets to one.

*****

Around Labor Day of 2011 Kain's mom and I were having a garage sale. One evening while getting everything all set up for the sale I thought I heard a cat crying. Sure enough, under a big pine tree in the backyard was a teeny tiny kitten covered in dirt and sap and starving for food and love. I was immediately enamored and named her Frances. Kain said I could keep her as long as our landlord was on board, which fortunately he was.

{Hairy cat + no air conditioning = this}

At first or little furry friend was timid, but time and effort brought out a playful and feisty personality. A few weeks later we had the kitten vetted and found out that she was about two months old and.... a boy! Frances became Francis and life went on.

{so handsome!!}

Over time we learned that Francis loved bird watching, chasing lights and lasers, drinking from the bathtub faucet, and soft (not crunchy) treats. We also discovered that Francis did not love car rides, collars, wet food, thunderstorms or being held. He is very particular about who pets him, when and where they pet him, and for how long they pet him. If more than a few people come to our house he hisses and hides. If you haven't gotten out of bed to give him his treats by 6 am, he's relentless about waking you up. And If he miraculously wants to sit on your lap, there's no stopping him. Until he's done.

{Fresh Linen scent kitty}

He really isn't very friendly, but he's been a good cat. That is until a few months ago when he decided that his liter box was optional. We have tried everything that is reasonable and spent more cash than was logical on trying to get him to stop using our couch (and a few times, our BED) as a secondary poop spot. Kain, who is by nature not really a cat lover, has been more than patient with my attempts at feline behavior modification. But yesterday's couch surprise was our "enough is enough" moment.

{Hiding under the coffee table during a storm}

Tonight we took our Francis to a friend's farm so he can live the free nomad life he longs to live in their horse barn. He can finally chase birds, eat grass, catch mice, and poop wherever he wants. I know he will be happier, he is always trying to escape when we go in and out our door, he is desperate to be an outdoor cat.

{Dreaming of life outside}

Francis, {also known as Frank, also known as Buddy Cat, also known as Francisco Bodafuco (because I joke that he is an Italian mob boss), who's full name is Francis James Hunter Cat} this is harder on us than you probably care about. We are not sending you away because we don't like you, our because we haven't tried EVERYTHING to make you stop this unacceptable behavior. You will always be our first pet, and will forever hold a special place in our hearts. But for the sake of our sanity, and our sanitation, you have to go.

{sitting pretty}

Be free! I hope you make friends and love your new home. I will miss you terribly and will always remember your crazy antics.

Bye sweet Buddy :(