Quote Me

*****

It's true, but fortunately, it's not the end of the story.

Breakdown

I will always try, for the most part, to keep this blog a space for positive attitudes and optimism.  That's because 1) I'm a positive and optimistic person, and 2) I want to be serious about living out loud my belief that adoption is a positive thing.

But...

There is still pain.  There is still heartache.  There is still frustration and disappointment and longing.

And that's exactly where I was yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon my emotions broke loose.  Was it because we are in this weird adoption holding zone?  Was it because we had the inspection for our new home and it didn't go as seamlessly as I had dreamed?  Was it because I'm tired and overwhelmed and needed a snack?  Was it because I try so hard to always keep it all together?  I don't know.  Probably all of the above.  

But whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I sat there yesterday crying the blues...

{I totally just made myself giggle.  Someone please tell me that you get the reference}

Kain was supportive and tried his best to talk me off of the proverbial ledge.  But I was having none of that logic stuff.  I felt like because the home inspection stirred up some concerns about this little dream house, there would be delays in moving, which would mean delays in our progress with adoption, which somehow manifested itself into feeling like we would never reach the end.  And it all just kept snowballing.

Finally I calmed down, we went to dinner at my mom's house (yum!!) and then on the way home, with a belly full of potato soup and apple crisp, I had some clarity.  

Here's where the story becomes less crazy breakdown cry face girl (that's a thing, trust me) and more - wow, God still speaks....

During my initial breakdown, I was angry.  Angry with God.  I kept thinking, "why did He give me this strong desire to have children when it feels like it is constantly just out of reach."

On the car ride home I started to pray silently and ask God if it was ok to be angry with Him.  

Meanwhile next to me my husband was talking - I was honestly not listening to what he was saying, I was praying.  Kain was talking to me about Job, he's studying Job right now and it's been a topic quite frequently.  He is loving this study.  About 10 seconds after I had asked God that question - Kain said "and then his other friend said to him, it doesn't matter if you didn't do anything wrong, you have no right to be angry with God.  Who are you compared to God?"  He kept on talking, and I am pretty sure that my jaw dropped down to my lap.  

God spoke.  Through Kain's Bible study, God spoke directly to me and my struggles.  Tell me that He's not omniscient.  

Is God intimidated by my anger with Him?  No.  Is my anger with Him righteous, justified, ok?  No.  

Who am I compared to God?  Nothing.  That's like the pot being angry with the potter, "Why am I red? I want to be green!  I don't have handles and I really like handles!! Darn you, potter!! What were you thinking??"

God doesn't owe me anything.  And my plans are just that - MY plans.  Submitting to His will, means surrendering what I think my life will look like. 

*****

Philippians 3:10 (Amplified)

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and more intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continuously transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death.

*****

I pretty much need 1440 reminders a day that my purpose is HIM.  My purpose is not buying a house, adopting a child, being a nurse, being a wife, hosting a community group, teaching Sunday School, or trying to live a righteous life.  Those are all good things, and they should be acts of worship to my Savior.  But they are not my purpose.  They are not my motivation.  They are not my salvation.

Does that make any sense?   This might be an entire post written for the sole purpose of reminding myself that my priorities were completely misplaced.  

Are you there, too?  Are you frustrated with your circumstances, feel like you're at another dead end, struggling with your purpose?  Have you evaluated if you are allowing idols to creep their way into your heart?  Seek Him.  Humble yourself and seek Him.  

When you feel defeated - seek Him.

When you feel depressed - seek Him.

When you are ready to quit fighting - seek Him.

Wherever you are right this second - stop and seek Him.

If you need prayer, friend, let me know.  Obviously, I've been there...

Dear Baby

See what this Dear Baby stuff is all about here

*****

Dear Baby,

It has been so busy here lately!

I want to tell you about Christmas.  This year was different.  My side of the family gathered a few days before Christmas and did the normal family stuff.  It was short and sweet, but we had a really nice day.  We were able to take this family picture:

The whole big crazy bunch

Here are a couple other pictures from that day

With Aunt Nancy

I made this blanket for Grandma's Christmas present.  It was a labor of love

Your loving Mom and Dad

A few days before Christmas, we had dinner with your Dad's side of the family.  I had to work that day, so I showed up late.  But it was still a nice night.  We snapped this nice family photo:

Love these folks!

The festivities continued!  Christmas Eve morning we went to your Dad's parents house and opened stockings and presents.  We went out to lunch and had a lovely day.

That night, we went out to dinner with Grandma and then went to church for our traditional candlelight gathering.  At church, Daddy and I read a passage of Scripture and Grandma read a Children's story.  It was wonderful as always.

On Christmas Day, I had to work.  I hated to be away from Daddy on Christmas, but I kept reminding myself that it was an opportunity to serve people who were also away from their families.  It was a pretty quiet day at the hospital.  Not too bad, really.

That night, Daddy and I exchanged our presents.  Simple and sweet.  A precious time of loving on each other by giving gifts.  Quite possibly our last Christmas with just the two of us at home.  That's an exciting thought!

You were on my mind during all of these parties, lunches, and gatherings.  I kept dreaming about spending Christmas with you.  I can't wait to watch your face when you open gifts, take you to see sparkling lights, give you your first taste of a soft buttery Snickerdoodle cookie... 

And mostly, I can't wait to tell you about the reason why we celebrate - not because of Santa, not because of commercialism, but because of Jesus.  Because Christ humbled himself and became a baby born in a dirty barn to impoverished teenage parents so that years down the road he could die on a cross to save us from the punishment we deserve for our sins.  I can't wait to tell you about his love for you.  It's the most important lesson I will ever share with you.  It's a huge responsibility.  I don't take it lightly.

Baby, I hope to see you soon.  I can't wait to get into our new house (did I tell you we bought a new house??) and set up a nursery for you.  I can't wait to hear your laugh and run my fingers through your hair.  I just want to be with you... It's hard to wait!  

Rest and grow little baby.  Wherever you are, rest and grow.

Always,

Mommy

Getting Back in the Swing

It's been over a month since I posted here.

It seems like a day!

December was extremely busy.  In mostly good ways.  And during the busyness, I completely neglected writing.  I was ok with that, because I had to prioritize things like eating and bathing and doing Christmas-y stuff.  But I also missed it.  I had developed a good rhythm and I hated to lose that momentum.  So - here we are; new year, new routine.  

Here are some of the (pretty huge) highlights from the last few weeks.

1) We went to two meetings with our adoption agency.  One was a large group meeting with all of the couples slated to begin this process in December.  I forgot to actually count but I think there was somewhere around 12 couples present.  Some had adopted before, some were first timers like us.  It was an overwhelming day of information and emotion.   We left excited and motivated.  A few days later we returned for a second gathering of just four couples.  We hashed out more specifics about the process, and continued to receive priceless education about adoption, children, parenting, and life.  We created a profile that our agency will share with women looking for adoptive families for their babies.  We were assigned a new social worker.  It was great.  At this point, we are in a bit of limbo (more on that in a second) but things are progressing nicely!

2) We are in the above mentioned state of limbo because ... we are moving!!  Our search for a new space took us to a lovely little house in a neighboring area.  We walked through it on a Saturday morning and were in contract by Sunday afternoon.  It was love at first sight for me.  It's not the biggest or fanciest house, but it meets the biggest criteria I held onto during the months of looking - it feels like a home.  This is a house where we can settle and grow.  If everything continues to work out, we should be moving around Valentine's Day.  What a great gift!  Once we move, we will need to redo some of our adoption paperwork, and that's why we are on hold for now.

That's our big news -- steps closer to bringing our babe home and steps closer to having a home to bring our babe to!  I'm feeling incredibly blessed. 

Strike that: I *AM* incredibly blessed.

Thank you so much for being part of our story, our journey.  I can't wait to share with you all that 2014 holds for us.