Just Like That ...

I have started and erased this post 18 times.  Words are escaping me.

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The painful reality of an adoption plan is this.  Nothing is for sure.

Somewhere, sometime, for some reason, something has gone awry with our adoption plan.

We are just days away from a due date, but we are back to the beginning.  

We were matched with a birth mom 10 weeks ago today.  But for the last several weeks, no one has been able to reach her.  Today I tried to text her cell phone and got a reply from someone else letting me know that I had the wrong number.  

The social worker has called, sent texts and letters, all with no return. This birth mom has taken herself out of the picture.  We have to assume she is making the choice to parent this child herself.  We have to assume that she is choosing a different path.

I'm a little bit broken, a little bit angry, a little bit hopeless, a little bit sad.

I'm also a little bit OK, a little bit calm, a little bit expectant, and a little bit joyful.

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That could sound totally horrible -- how can I be joyful? How can I be OK? The rug was just literally ripped out from under us!

One word.  Jesus.

I've been here.  I've walked this dark twisty rocky impossible road.  And at the end was Jesus.  He's my constant.  He's my rock.  He's my joy, my peace, my hope, my light.  I can be OK because Jesus is steadfast and is good.  I can be OK because letting go and letting Him hold me is so much better than holding onto the broken, angry, hopeless, sadness.   

It's not easy.  I still want to cry and throw things and eat my entire weight in chocolate followed by my entire weight in peanut butter.  I still want this baby to be mine.  I still ache to feel him in my arms. 

And I'm not oblivious. I know that bad days will come, that I will still feel the pain of loss.  I know that.

But I'm choosing to focus on the good.  It's good that this baby is so loved.  It's good that Jesus spared us from seeing him and holding him before this change of heart took place.  It's good that another opportunity may be just around the corner.  It's good that Kain and I have each other to lean on, to understand the bad days, and to move forward with.  It's good that we are so prepared for the next time.  It's good that there will be a next time.  

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I posted all of these verses on my last Love and Loss post.  And they still ring with truth. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

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Please keep praying for us, friends.  Please pray that our dreams of being parents will be fulfilled.  That we will find the right match.  And that we will be able to hold onto joy and calm and hope and OK.

Dear Baby

I've been writing these notes for our baby for over a year and a half as we have anticipated their arrival.  Find out more about them here

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Dear Baby,

This is my favorite time of year.  The weather is perfect for jeans and sweaters and boots, the decorations are warm earthy tones of golden and green and orange, there's pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING.  I just love fall. 

But this year, it's different.  It's not just about all of my favorite things.  This year, fall is about YOU!

Your arrival is getting closer every day.  We're down to just over 2 weeks (!!) and that anticipation and excitement is making this fall so much more than just fun and tasty.  It makes this fall JOYFUL.

Baby, we are so ready for you! We are so ready to see you, to hold you, to provide for you.  We are so ready to kiss your cheeks, to feel your breathing, to watch you grow.  We are so ready to play with you, to figure out your favorite things, to rock and cuddle you.  We are just ready. 

19 sleeps, baby.  That's all that separates us.  I can't wait!!!!

Know that we are praying for you every day, and for your birth mom too.  We are praying for your health and your safety, for your growing body, for your developing mind.  And for her heart - it will be broken by this, I'm sure. But we pray now that God will bring her healing and will be ever present during her pain and sorrow.

You are so special already, baby.  You are so wanted.  You are so so so loved.

See you soon, sweet one.  Until then, rest and grow my tiny blessing.  

All my love always,

Mommy

Random Ramblings

There are 24 days (in theory - babies are unpredictable I hear) standing between us and our babe.

24 desperately long days

24 impossibly short days

October 28.

That's our baby's due date.

I'm practically counting the minutes.

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I went shopping this week with my sister.  For baby clothes.  For my baby.  It's something I've dreamed of doing for so long that I can't actually believe it really happened.  We ooohed and aahhed over tiny pants and sweaters.  We shared frozen yogurt.  And I totally picked her mother-of-five mind for expert advice and tips and tricks.  A beautiful day.

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Kain and I are in the midst of another home study.  

{Insert eye roll}

The reason is this:  Because we have to.

It is frustrating to go through steps identical to those we completed just months ago.  It's annoying to have our home and lives and check book and marriage scrutinized.  Again.

But the reality is that we have to complete these tasks if we want to bring our baby home.  And at this point I would do pretty much anything to bring this baby home.

Here's a rough picture of everything that we had to copy/sign/gather:

An application (along with a hefty fee) for Child Placement

{this is with a separate agency, it's kind of a long story}

A Clearance Registry Form (I assume this is something that we signed, but I can't say for sure)

A Child Abuse Registry form

A fire inspection of our home

Personal references

Employer references

Medical statements

A financial statement

Fingerprints/BCI/FBI checks

Driver's licenses

2013 tax returns

Proof of health and auto insurance

Marriage License

Birth certificates

Pet immunization records

Proof of income for 2 months

Utility bills

It seems like a lot, it is a lot, but the good new is ...  We have it all!  With the exception of Kain's medical form which should be filled out early next week.  We managed to get all of this together in a matter of days.  It's been stressful and complicated but it's almost over.

Here are some fun highlights.

We needed a fire inspection, I called at 1:30 on a Friday afternoon and the local inspector was at my house at 2:00 the same day!! THANK YOU FIRE INSPECTION GUY!!

I could not find our marriage license anywhere.  Honestly, we probably gave it to a social worker during some home visit (only partially joking, here).  When I called the very small probate court in the very small county where we were married, the super kind and understanding lady bucked the system and mailed me TWO copies without making me first send in a request form and check (both by mail).  THANK YOU ANONYMOUS PROBATE COURT LADY!!

We ambushed our friends at our weekly community group meeting and had them fill out our personal references on the spot with no warning.  And they complied.  And they were nice about it!! THANK YOU FRIENDS!!

Other completely NOT-coincidental-but-rather-perfectly-designed-and-planned-by-an-omniscient-Father things like this happened during the last week, making this quite possibly the fastest and smoothest gathering of home study documents in the history of ever!  THANK YOU LORD!!

We will complete the last thing (Kain's medical clearance) and mail our paperwork.  Then a social worker, Christin, will visit our home this Wednesday.  After that, Christin will be responsible for finalizing this home study and we will be cleared to proceed.

I am so anxious that something will delay the finalization and interrupt our ability to go home from the hospital with our baby.  Will you please pray for this specific thing?  Please pray that this home study will be completed in time without any hitches.

*****

I'm hoping that the next 24 days prove to be boring and are spent daydreaming and napping and dating my hubby and drinking hot coffee and decorating our house for autumn.  But if anything exciting should come up, I will be sure to let my blog-reading friends know!

Have I mentioned at all that there are only 24 days left?