Breakdown

I will always try, for the most part, to keep this blog a space for positive attitudes and optimism.  That's because 1) I'm a positive and optimistic person, and 2) I want to be serious about living out loud my belief that adoption is a positive thing.

But...

There is still pain.  There is still heartache.  There is still frustration and disappointment and longing.

And that's exactly where I was yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon my emotions broke loose.  Was it because we are in this weird adoption holding zone?  Was it because we had the inspection for our new home and it didn't go as seamlessly as I had dreamed?  Was it because I'm tired and overwhelmed and needed a snack?  Was it because I try so hard to always keep it all together?  I don't know.  Probably all of the above.  

But whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I sat there yesterday crying the blues...

{I totally just made myself giggle.  Someone please tell me that you get the reference}

Kain was supportive and tried his best to talk me off of the proverbial ledge.  But I was having none of that logic stuff.  I felt like because the home inspection stirred up some concerns about this little dream house, there would be delays in moving, which would mean delays in our progress with adoption, which somehow manifested itself into feeling like we would never reach the end.  And it all just kept snowballing.

Finally I calmed down, we went to dinner at my mom's house (yum!!) and then on the way home, with a belly full of potato soup and apple crisp, I had some clarity.  

Here's where the story becomes less crazy breakdown cry face girl (that's a thing, trust me) and more - wow, God still speaks....

During my initial breakdown, I was angry.  Angry with God.  I kept thinking, "why did He give me this strong desire to have children when it feels like it is constantly just out of reach."

On the car ride home I started to pray silently and ask God if it was ok to be angry with Him.  

Meanwhile next to me my husband was talking - I was honestly not listening to what he was saying, I was praying.  Kain was talking to me about Job, he's studying Job right now and it's been a topic quite frequently.  He is loving this study.  About 10 seconds after I had asked God that question - Kain said "and then his other friend said to him, it doesn't matter if you didn't do anything wrong, you have no right to be angry with God.  Who are you compared to God?"  He kept on talking, and I am pretty sure that my jaw dropped down to my lap.  

God spoke.  Through Kain's Bible study, God spoke directly to me and my struggles.  Tell me that He's not omniscient.  

Is God intimidated by my anger with Him?  No.  Is my anger with Him righteous, justified, ok?  No.  

Who am I compared to God?  Nothing.  That's like the pot being angry with the potter, "Why am I red? I want to be green!  I don't have handles and I really like handles!! Darn you, potter!! What were you thinking??"

God doesn't owe me anything.  And my plans are just that - MY plans.  Submitting to His will, means surrendering what I think my life will look like. 

*****

Philippians 3:10 (Amplified)

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and more intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continuously transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death.

*****

I pretty much need 1440 reminders a day that my purpose is HIM.  My purpose is not buying a house, adopting a child, being a nurse, being a wife, hosting a community group, teaching Sunday School, or trying to live a righteous life.  Those are all good things, and they should be acts of worship to my Savior.  But they are not my purpose.  They are not my motivation.  They are not my salvation.

Does that make any sense?   This might be an entire post written for the sole purpose of reminding myself that my priorities were completely misplaced.  

Are you there, too?  Are you frustrated with your circumstances, feel like you're at another dead end, struggling with your purpose?  Have you evaluated if you are allowing idols to creep their way into your heart?  Seek Him.  Humble yourself and seek Him.  

When you feel defeated - seek Him.

When you feel depressed - seek Him.

When you are ready to quit fighting - seek Him.

Wherever you are right this second - stop and seek Him.

If you need prayer, friend, let me know.  Obviously, I've been there...