Elliot's Birth Story - Part 1

It still seems so surreal! 

a) I can't believe he's actually here

b) I can't believe how perfectly his delivery day went

The weekend before Elliot made his arrival Kain and I were heartbroken thinking that his birth mom (we will refer to her as B from here on out) had changed her mind about her adoption plan.  Our last conversation with her had been cut short and we had way more questions than answers, but to us the writing was clear.  We couldn't understand why we were facing a third failed adoption and spent most of the weekend with teary eyes and heavy hearts.  

And then Monday happened. 

On Monday April 13th, we heard from our social worker that everything was still on track, that what had transpired over the previous few days was only a miscommunication, and that we should expect to hear from B soon.

B sent me a text later that day to say that she had a doctor's appointment the next day (Tuesday) and would let me know the outcome - she was hopeful that they could plan an induction for sometime in the next few days.  She was getting pretty uncomfortable, and I think the weight of her adoption plan was beginning to wear on her.

The next afternoon we heard from B again - she told us that they were going to induce her the next morning and she asked what time could we be there!!  

To say that we were elated, terrified, humbled, gracious --- all of that would be an understatement.  We were all of that times a million!! Plus more!! 

We spent Tuesday afternoon and evening in a state of mild panic :)

Kain still needed to finish our taxes (he's the president of the procrastinator's club!!), I had the sudden urge to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!! Plus we had to pack, install the car seat base, figure out what to do with the dog, call everyone we knew, and, and, and....

We woke up early on Wednesday, really early, and headed out of town to the hospital where we were going to meet our son!  The drive was uneventful, we did a lot of chatting about anything except what was about to happen.  We talked to our parents, I texted with my girlfriends, we stopped for coffee. 

In the parking garage at the hospital.  Our last picture of us as a family of 2!!

When we got to the hospital it was about 9:30.  B and her boyfriend were already in her room, the Pitocin was running, she was comfortable, and we began to settle in to the rhythm of this crazy, happy, beautiful day.

Kain and I both stayed in her room, trying not to stare at her like we were waiting for her to pop!  I had seen her a few times since our initial meeting - she had invited me to attend some doctor visits with her, but it was the first time since January that she and Kain had spent any time together.  It was good for us all to be able to chat, to laugh, to get comfortable with each other.

At her first check, she was 3 centimeters dilated.  Not too bad for being a few weeks early!  The plan was just to keep an eye on her and keep increasing the Pitocin.  

My mom and sister showed up, Kain's mom and little brother showed up too.  It was so great to have their support.  So wonderful to know that there were others on our side.  I sent some texts to my girlfriends and one responded with "People you don't even know are praying for you right now,"  I couldn't help but cry at that thought.  The thought that this family we are a part of, the family of God, had our back.  How amazing.

Kain and I left around lunch time to stretch our legs and fill our bellies.  We met up with my mom and sister.  Filled them in on the updates.  I gave my lunch to my sister - too nervous to eat.

When we went back up, a midwife came in and said that in an hour or so, they would check B again and potentially break her water in an effort to move things along.  Excellent plan!

The hour came, the midwife checked her - still only 3 centimeters.  Whomp whomp.  They broke her water, and upped her Pitocin.  Fingers crossed for progress soon. 

B remained in a very upbeat mood right up to this point.  The increase in Pitocin and the broken water must have kicked things into overdrive.  She started complaining of a lot of back pain, and pressure.  She made it an hour before she asked someone to check her again.  When they did - everyone's mood sank when we heard, only 4 centimeters.  All the expectation, all of her moaning and writhing and complaining of severe pressure and already feeling like she could push - and she had made hardly any progress.  You could see the disappointment on her face.

That was 4:00.  Things continued in the same fashion for the next hour and a half of so.  I rubbed B's back with a bag of ice - to help with her back labor and because she was so very very hot even though the thermostat said it was 64 degrees in the room.  At 5:45 she declared that she couldn't do it any more and wanted an epidural.  Her nurse came in, and reassured her, and increased her Pitocin again, and introduced her to the next shift's nurse - Rosie.  Rosie is my hero.  We should have named Elliot "Rosie" instead.  

Her day nurse, Lauren, was so/so.  I am a nurse, so I'm slow to judge other nurse's performances.  I know that no one but her knows what all she has going on at that exact moment.  But I still feel that there is a certain expectation for general kindness and tolerance.  Especially of laboring women.  And Lauren was lacking that.  She was cold and unfriendly.  And not very helpful unless people were watching closely.  Thumbs down to her. 

But Rosie, Rosie we loved.  Rosie listened, Rosie cared, Rosie trusted her patient's instincts. 

Rosie called right away for anesthesia to come in and set up for an epidural.  She explained that hospital policy is for no visitors during the epidural placement so we all - Kain and I, and B's boyfriend, would have to step out for about 20 minutes.  When we came back, B would be much more comfortable, and we could continue as we had been.  Everyone understood and agreed. 

B's boyfriend left then to go find something to eat, promising to be back soon.  Kain said he was getting restless so he was going to go for a walk.  It was just the two of us.  B and me.  I was still rubbing her back with a (mostly melted now) bag of ice.  Reassuring her that she was doing so great.  Watching her monitor so I could tell her when her contractions were starting to ease up.  At this point, they were practically non stop.  She was miserable.

When Rosie came back in, I asked if anyone would check her before they started the epidural.  B had been saying for some time now that she felt like she could push.  She was having so much pressure.  Rosie said that they probably wouldn't check her, since her water was broken and they had just checked 90 minutes ago - they would wait a little longer.  She told me it was time for me to step out of the room.  I told B I would be just downstairs and would come back as soon as I could to help her some more. 

I took the elevator down to the waiting room and found my family.  I sat and talked with Kain's mom and updated her on the progress.  Kain had gone to our car to get his phone charger.  Too much texting had killed his battery :)

I had just settled in, legs curled up under me on a vinyl upholstered bench when a familiar face popped out of a stairway - I'm not sure what exactly her role was, Nurse Aide? Scrub Tech? I don't know.  And I don't know her name, but I'll never forget what she said,

"You're Kate, right? We gotta go! It's time!!"

I jumped up, I have no idea what I said or what I did except I hustled up those stairs!  We rushed into B's room and there she was, her bed had been broken down, she was laying with her legs up, a flurry of people, bright lights... It was baby time!

Apparently Rosie, like I said, had listened to her patient and agreed to check B before the started the epidural because she was so uncomfortable.  B said that she didn't even need to actually check her - she could see the baby's head!  Like I said - we love Rosie.

B did awesome, she pushed only for a few minutes, and I was there the whole time.  I watched her bring him down and out and into the world, I watched him breathe his first breath, I cut his umbilical cord, I stood by his crib as his nurse dried him off, weighed him, and wrapped him up in a blanket.

I held onto his tiny fingers as he screamed, I whispered to him that I was there, hoping that it might bring him some comfort.  And as I said to him,

"we've waited so long for you"

the tears fell.  I couldn't contain the months of waiting, and anxiety, and fear, and joy, and hope.  They poured out in sobs and sniffles.  His nurse handed him to me and right that minute, my heart welcomed him in.  He was mine. Ours.  Our son.  Our Elliot.

Holding my son for the first time!! 

There's more to this story -- stay tuned to find out what happened next!

Allow Me to Introduce ....

Baby Elliot!!

We welcomed Elliot Rhys into our hearts and lives on Wednesday April 15 at 6:39pm

It's an amazing story that I will share soon

Now this isn't just a blog about hoping to adopt -- it's a blog about the crazy happy beautiful end.

He's so awesome!!!

xoxoxoxoxox

Baby Month

It's here!!

April 2015 -- BABY MONTH!!!

Things feel different.  Different than last time.  Different than the time before.  In good ways.

I still feel hopeful.

And I'm still cautious too.  I just can't let my guard down.

Yesterday Baby Boy's birth mom texted that she thought her water broke.  And I was so excited!! And so terrified!!

(hashtag false alarm)

And in that spirit - the spirit of "no, seriously, there could be a baby in your arms any day now" - I am feeling a crazy urge to get my life in order.

The baskets of folded laundry are taunting me - I couldn't even focus on Grey's Anatomy, I could HEAR them calling me to put them away.

And for some reason I'm waking up at night thinking about the dust on the top of my kitchen cupboards.  I know it's up there.

And my car!!! Ugh my car needs vacuumed so badly.

So I have to go.

Hopefully I'll be able to pop back in here soon with another good update :)

YAY BABY MONTH!!

xo

A Crazy Dream, Some Insecurity, and a Little Transparency Too...

The last time that we had a match with our adoption agency, I was pretty tight-lipped about the details.  I was trying to protect our future family and the baby's birth family. 

I want this to be a space  to talk about all different aspect of adoption.  And to be a place of honesty.  There's no point in painting everything rosy, when that's not reality. 

So I think I'll be more open this time around.  I will still have some boundaries, of course, but I'd like to try to be more transparent.

Maybe this intro is totally unnecessary, but I felt like I needed to say it. 

Whaevs.

We are planning for an adoption of a baby BOY due April 26. 

And, here's the thing -- he's black.

I have no problem with becoming a transracial family.  None.  We have been talking about it and preparing for it for years now.  I can honestly say that I've been picturing us with a little baby boy since we first got engaged, and in my mind he's always been black.  But I can't say that I'm not nervous.

On one hand I think - it will be FINE, love conquers all, I wouldn't care if he was polka dotted - I just want him to be mine.

On the other, I'm pretty sure that I am completely unprepared to teach him how to be a black man.  What reference do I have?  How do I reconcile my white privilege that will become inherently his own with the struggles that his culture has faced for hundreds of years? 

How do I pretend like racism and profiling are nonexistent.  I don't encounter them very often because 1) I'm white and 2) I live in a (mostly) white community, go to a (mostly) white church, work at a (mostly) white hospital....  I'm very very rarely the minority.  That will change when we bring him home, being a transracial adoptive family makes us a minority.  But I don't care about me - I care about him. 

I truly completely believe that through the power of adoption, he will be transformed, he will have a different identity.  He will be our child, NOT our adopted child.  But, come on, no one is going to be fooled that because he's ours that he is somehow not black.

I don't want his heritage or his skin to define him, to hinder him in any way, to put him at any unfair disadvantage, or to be the only thing we ever talk about.  But I can't pretend like for the rest of his life it will never be an issue.  That would be obtuse.  That would be doing him a disservice and I already love him way too much to do that to him.

****

I had this unsettling dream last night; Kain and I had adopted our little boy, and a few years had passed - he seemed to be about 5 years old or so - and we decided to take him on a mission trip to Africa.  

{This isn't completely out of the realm of possible reality - we have both been to Africa before (Kain twice), we love missions, and we are definitely excited to expose our children to other cultures throughout their lives.}

In the dream, we were confronted by a group of African leaders who declared that us being his parents was inappropriate and unnatural.  And they took him from us. And we couldn't find him, and we were being chased back to America.  And I woke up panicked that I had lost him, 

****

The dream brings to light a few of the insecurities that I'm facing at the moment.

First, that I am unprepared for what's coming.

Second, that our family will be judged as inappropriate and unnatural.

I don't care what people will think about our family, I really don't.  People who judge other's worth, value, or place in this world based solely on skin tone are ridiculous and ignorant.  They should be embarrassed.

But, I don't ever want our baby boy to hurt.  I don't ever want him to wish he was something else.  I don't ever want him to feel ashamed of the way he was created. 

So that's where I am.  I'm scared.  Don't get me wrong - I am so excited, and totally counting the days until we get to stare into his chocolate eyes and place his tiny hands in ours (80).  

But I'm scared for all the ways that this world will fail him.  And all the ways that I won't be able to protect him.  And all the ways that I myself will fail him. 

Please be praying for us, friends. I'm humbly seeking wisdom that reaches far beyond my own knowledge and experience.  I'm asking that his little heart will be spared as much pain as possible.  And we're hoping for grace as we transition into the role of parents to a child of a different color. 

Here We Go Again ....

We answered another call

Had another meeting

Received another match

Another sweet babe is due to be ours in a matter of weeks!

I'm thrilled, and terrified.

I've mostly been guarding myself, and not thinking too much about the whole thing.

Which, of course, makes me sad.  I want to be excited and to fully embrace all the anticipation and planning that should go along with the next 12 weeks.

We want this so badly, but we are so scared.

Will you pray for me, friends? Will you lift us up? 

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Catching Up

Well, life goes on.

We did not bring home a baby in October.

We had to move forward.  

We have to embrace the life we have been given even on the days when the circumstances aren't what we would choose.  So we've been busy.  Here's what the last few months have looked like at our house.  

Kain and I took our bruised hearts to the beach the week of the baby's due date.  It was not the same as becoming parents, but it was a great time of rest, relaxation, and repair.  It was good.  It was needed.

The view from our hotel balcony -- we even saw dolphins one day!

When we got back from vacation, I started a new job!  My RN goal has always been to work somewhere on the OB floor, and towards the end of the summer I finally had enough nerve to apply.  I was beyond thrilled when I was offered a job a few weeks later at the same hospital where I already worked.

I was nervous that my fresh "no baby" wounds would be kept open and raw in this environment.  Fortunately instead, I am loving every minute.  I am now working in the Special Care Nursery.  A Level II nursery where I care for the tiniest most vulnerable patients.  It's everything I wanted out of my role as an RN.  Challenging.  Full of heart.  A little bit scary.

Then came Thanksgiving.  We spent the day with my family - eating, decorating a Christmas tree at my mom's house, playing cards.

That morning before the festivities began, I allowed myself a moment alone in our empty nursery holding a "My First Thanksgiving" onsie and mourning the memories we wouldn't be making that day.  I had big expectations for what this holiday season would look like.  Expectations that were definitely not being met.  

Thanksgiving 2014

Happy Thanksgiving, mom

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Kain's family got together for an early Christmas.  His grandparents spend the winter in sunny Florida, so we usually celebrate early so they can be included.  

We did a gift exchange, Kain's mom made three different kinds of yummy soup, and everyone took some family pictures at the end.  It was a great time together.  

Grandpa Dick and Grandma Betty.  Love.

Kain's family

At the beginning of December, our church hosted a community Christmas gathering.  Kain and I were part of a live nativity.  We played Mary and Joesph.  It was about 4 degrees outside, so I let poor baby Jesus Isaac lay on that cold manger for 0.7 seconds before I wrapped him up in my bathrobe and snuggled him close  (His parents, our friends Amy and Kendall, were leading the music)

 

Christmas came and our new house was transformed into Party Central!

Our Missional Community Group got together for a super fun evening of games and feasting and photo booth props the weekend before Christmas.  I love these people so much.  I wish we could just all find houses on the same street and hang out every single day!!

My girls -- also, I got my hair cut!

Isn't he dapper with his top hat and pipe?

Then tragedy struck --- ok not really, but I did get the flu and was seriously so so SO sick!  I have never felt that miserable.  I flopped on the couch, feeling lousy, on a Saturday night and didn't get up until Tuesday.  Ugh.  I don't even want to remember.  All I can say is "thank you, God, for allowing people to invent Tamiflu!!"

On Christmas Eve we went to church for our traditional candlelight service.  It's one of my favorite things, when the lights go out and then little by little the room fills up with the glow of candlelight.  A beautiful reminder that we are the light of the world, commissioned to spread the good news of Jesus like wildfire. 

 I tried to avoid contact with everyone for fear of inflicting my horrible germs onto them.  But did convince our friend Chris to hold my phone long enough to take this picture of us.  It's my new favorite

We had to reschedule the Christmas get-together with my family due to the above mentioned weekend of ick, but on Christmas Day, I was feeling much better and had Kain's family (plus an uncle) over for brunch which extended into dinner.  Unfortunately - I didn't snap a single picture of that day.  Maybe that's a good thing, I was in the moment and not holding a camera/phone.  I'll call it a win.

Here's a picture of Ranger and the Christmas tree instead!

I had to work all day on New Year's Eve, so we kept that evening pretty mellow.  Wine, a movie, and an alarm on the phone so I could wake up at 11:55. I did wake up, but then I fell back asleep until Kain said, "babe, you have 30 seconds!" I opened my eyes long enough to watch the ball drop and then headed to bed!  I'm a party animal, can you tell?

New Year's Day we stayed home, made a pork loin and sauerkraut, and enjoyed a quiet day in.  

Scrabble and champagne were on our agenda.  And neither disappointed.

Let the record show that I won.

The next weekend my family came over for our rescheduled Christmas.  It happened to fall on what would have been my dad's 70th birthday and that made being all together even more special.  My mom gave each of us a huge binder she put together full of at least 6 generations of our genealogy.  What a gift to see pictures of our grandparents and their families, to read about our great grandparents journey to America, to know everyone's middle name!  We played games, ate (do you sense a theme?? It seems like all I did was eat for like five weeks straight!!), exchanged charitable gifts (Kain and I gave donations to our adoption agency's fund that provides resources, education, and counselling to adopted children throughout their entire life) and of course, took some photo booth pics.

My seester.  She thinks she's so clever.  Obviously I'm the nice one.

And that's about it!  Now it's almost the middle of January and all is well.

Adoption is still on our minds and on our horizons.  We still love Jesus above everything else.  We still love spending our time with our friends and family.  Ranger is still the cutest smartest dog ever.  

I'm hopeful that this year this blog will document the days we become parents.  I'm hopeful that 2015 will be a year to remember.  I'm hopeful.

What about you -- what have you been up to??

Just Like That ...

I have started and erased this post 18 times.  Words are escaping me.

****

The painful reality of an adoption plan is this.  Nothing is for sure.

Somewhere, sometime, for some reason, something has gone awry with our adoption plan.

We are just days away from a due date, but we are back to the beginning.  

We were matched with a birth mom 10 weeks ago today.  But for the last several weeks, no one has been able to reach her.  Today I tried to text her cell phone and got a reply from someone else letting me know that I had the wrong number.  

The social worker has called, sent texts and letters, all with no return. This birth mom has taken herself out of the picture.  We have to assume she is making the choice to parent this child herself.  We have to assume that she is choosing a different path.

I'm a little bit broken, a little bit angry, a little bit hopeless, a little bit sad.

I'm also a little bit OK, a little bit calm, a little bit expectant, and a little bit joyful.

****

That could sound totally horrible -- how can I be joyful? How can I be OK? The rug was just literally ripped out from under us!

One word.  Jesus.

I've been here.  I've walked this dark twisty rocky impossible road.  And at the end was Jesus.  He's my constant.  He's my rock.  He's my joy, my peace, my hope, my light.  I can be OK because Jesus is steadfast and is good.  I can be OK because letting go and letting Him hold me is so much better than holding onto the broken, angry, hopeless, sadness.   

It's not easy.  I still want to cry and throw things and eat my entire weight in chocolate followed by my entire weight in peanut butter.  I still want this baby to be mine.  I still ache to feel him in my arms. 

And I'm not oblivious. I know that bad days will come, that I will still feel the pain of loss.  I know that.

But I'm choosing to focus on the good.  It's good that this baby is so loved.  It's good that Jesus spared us from seeing him and holding him before this change of heart took place.  It's good that another opportunity may be just around the corner.  It's good that Kain and I have each other to lean on, to understand the bad days, and to move forward with.  It's good that we are so prepared for the next time.  It's good that there will be a next time.  

****

I posted all of these verses on my last Love and Loss post.  And they still ring with truth. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1: 6-7 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

****

Please keep praying for us, friends.  Please pray that our dreams of being parents will be fulfilled.  That we will find the right match.  And that we will be able to hold onto joy and calm and hope and OK.