And Then She Started Crying

As I mentioned a few days ago, we have (finally!) been matched with a birth mom! (Hooray!!) and we are excitedly moving toward a domestic newborn adoption in just a few weeks!

The day after we received "Tha Call" we were blessed with a chance to meet the birth mom who had chosen our profile and launched us down this incredibly surreal and humbling path.

Meeting her was awesome. Indescribable, really. I want to do this post justice. I want to give these words the meaningful respect they deserve. 

Here goes my inadequate attempt ...

We met her for lunch at a small restaurant in a neighboring town, l honestly cannot even remember the name of the place. I was too distracted to pay attention. l'm guessing it was something like

"Mom's Family Diner" or something because that's just the kind of place it was. Small, comfortable, homey. 

We sat down in a booth and all waited for someone else to speak first. l think it's safe to assume that everyone was very nervous! Our conversation seemed forced as we made generic small talk and asked impersonal questions.

It wasn't until she started crying that the walls came down.

As she cried silently, face in her hands, bearing the weight of this reality, my heart broke for her. I can't imagine being in the position she is in or having to make the choice she is facing. l didn't know what to say. I wanted to grab her, pull her close, hold her, let her literally cry on my shoulder, but l had only known her for 5 minutes and l didn't want to overstep my position. 

Kain spoke first, telling her that we knew this was an impossible situation. We told her that we would never forget that she is making this choice out of love, not out of indifference. We told her that we would always tell the baby how much of her heart they hold. We told her that she would watch the baby grow through pictures and letters, that she would know they were ok. We said that if she wanted to see them down the road, we could talk about that when she was ready. We tried to say everything we could to reassure and comfort her. 

And a few moments later she lifted her face and wiped her eyes on her sleeve and thanked us. She told us that we made her feel so much better. That she was even more confident and comfortable now. 

Blessed. 

Our lunch continued with sharing stories and pictures and just getting to know each other. A few times a I grabbed Kain's hand under the table and gave him an "I can't believe this is happening" squeeze.

I wanted her to see *us*. I wanted her to see real life people with flaws and also with potential, not just the 2-dimensional versions of ourselves we presented on our profile. 

We are human, we long to be a mom and a dad, we laugh, we cry, we sympathize, we stutter, we spill food out of our mouths. We pray, we hold hands, we disagree. I wanted her to know that she wasn't placing her baby in a plastic world. That we aren't perfect, but we can still be the perfect choice for her. 

We ended our meeting when we all ran out of things to say. We payed the bill and walked outside. Her grandmother had come along but opted to stay in the car to give us some time alone to get acquainted. We met her in the parking lot. Another aspect of this complex puzzle. 

It's been almost 5 weeks since we first met her and I'm still processing everything. How do you walk this road? How do you get comfortable without being naive? How do you share yourself without overwhelming an already overwhelmed girl? How do you say thank you for a priceless gift?

It's by God's grace that we are here. And I am confident in His sustaining strength and presence. 

****

Father, 

Give us wisdom, discernment, and peace as we navigate forming this bond. Show us how to make the most of this relationship without erasing all sense of boundary. Help us to know what's right, Lord. And please allow us to move forward without any complications. Allow this baby to be our baby. 

In my brother's name I pray, Amen

****

It still feels like a dream. It still feels unstable. And it still feels amazing.

Thank you for your support, for you prayers, and for being here reading my heart. 

Thank you.